Music has always been a big part of my life and it has pretty much gotten me through some really rough patches over the years, and I was recently within earshot of a song I was quite drawn to a couple of years back, which got me thinking about how people are generally quick to point a judgmental finger or hold a grudge towards others.
I know that as men, we often find ourselves on the wrong end of that judgment and for whatever the reason, it's really hard to get back to any sense of normalcy after the fact. I to this day still pay by having my phone and e-mails checked regularly and generally get quizzed about my whereabouts in the most creative ways irrespective of whether or not I have behaved myself in accordance with what my expected behavior should have been. The one thing that stands out to me like a sore thumb is that my road to redemption for whatever it is I am atoning for has no GPS! It's like an endless wilderness of atonement stretched out over infinity and subject to random acts of searches and sinister creeping behind my back to catch me in an act of some sort. I often sit back and wonder what if I were to be caught in a moment? What then? Will the validation be worth it? I am a firm believer in the fact that if you are digging for dirt, you will find something. Sadly, it might not be what you were looking for, but it will be some form of dirt you dig up and you best be ready to deal with what you find.
I learned that hard lesson many many moons ago, and the beauty of life's lessons are always that the test comes before the lesson! I have given up the insane need to want to know and control everything, and to me the ignorance is indeed bliss. I have become happier as a result of it, and I most certainly spare myself a world of pain by living my life in this way. We tend to deal better with things when we have a clear and specified locus of control, apologies, as I digress here, but back to the matter at hand!
I have been on a path of atonement but also a path of self improvement over the last few years and that hasn't been an easy path for me by any stretch of the imagination. My challenges came on all fronts for me! I had to face up to the challenges in both my personal and professional life and one can easily find yourself in the thick of it all, and then just decide to let it all overpower you, signalling your retreat or worse yet, your concession to all that you are faced with. I have always been persistent and tenacious, so I would not concede or yield to anything that I was faced with. I am a champion!
Losing is not an option for me! My whole life has been a fight and I was not about to wimp out! The fact that I had been fighting all my life for what I wanted made me realize that I am a warrior and not a worrier. I had learnt about taking accountability as well as responsibility for my actions, but in that lesson, I also learnt that not everybody did that. Many people are comfortable with punishing others in an effort to avoid or cover up their own lack of accountability and responsibility, and very often, these are the people that enforce atonement on others. The sad reality is that such people have a misguided sense that their morality is superior to or better than any one else's, and these people generally inflict their will on others as a punitive act of course correction. I have had to atone for my many shortcomings and failures over the years, and truth be told, I am still atoning. It would appear that no amount of atonement is good enough, given that you will always be under some or the other form of scrutiny in the form of whatever it is that you are monitored with or under.
I was once so angry at the insinuations that were thrown in my direction at one time, given that if I was being accused so vigorously of whatever it was that I was being accused of, I would much rather have committed whatever the crime or accusation was because then the third degree I was being subjected to would have been bearable.
I had done a 360 degree turn on many things, given up tons of stuff and even subjected myself to conversations that just went in circles often with no point, as the other party was reluctant to make their position or request clear. I had taken on the path of atonement for myself and with the clear purpose to better myself as a father, a husband and an employee. I was doing it for myself! I felt no need or desire to please anybody with the journey I had taken, simply because I knew that I could change nobody but myself and that was the only worthwhile reason for taking on such a journey. The dividends were all too worth it, as I became a better provider, a better employee and a better person in general.
I had made all the changes and I was feeling good about the journey, only to realize that not everybody would be happy with the changes. People are generally never happy with change that has no direct benefit for themselves and they tend to make it known. I then faced all sorts of challenges all over again in my professional as well as my personal life, and could not fall down in a heap and give up! I didn't resort to asking: "Why me?", instead I adopted the approach of "Try me!" I fought through all the mess and complexity, sometimes feeling the thanklessness that very often came with all of it. I realized that no matter how hard I worked, it would never be good enough, I would always be told that I don't earn enough and that I would have to get a better job to be able to adequately provide. The pressures can weigh heavy on a man, and you would be in very dark places emotionally, questioning your self-worth and your relevance and just trying to keep it all together while going back and being punched in the face all the time by life and what it throws at you. One can very easily feel sorry for yourself and collapse into a pile and just give up, but I am not one of those people. I chose to keep fighting and I chose to keep getting better through all of the challenges and the constant criticism.
We eventually arrive at a place where we start valuing ourselves more and we realize exactly who we are doing things for, and we take on board that we will only allow positivity into our lives in order to navigate the many sets of expectations that are levied on us. One very quickly realizes that this a quite a dangerously awesome place to be, given that you give back the baggage to those who have oppressed you with their unrealistic expectations and ridiculous standards. You become comfortable with the fact that they will be disappointed in you, simply because you can only change yourself and not them and added to it all, it's not your responsibility to make them happy in any way. People tend to get angry with you once you start treating them the way they have always treated you, and they become uncomfortable with you when you no longer act in anger when they test your patience and more especially when you no longer beg them for things you thought you needed from them.
The danger in solitude is thus, once you realize how much peace you derive from solitude, you pretty much don't want to leave your solitude.
Solitude allows you the space to craft a better, more balanced version of yourself if you are comfortable with it. Many people sadly cannot make peace with solitude simply because it requires you to be brutally honest with yourself and consciously work on those "not-so-nice" parts of yourself.
So in making peace with the fact that my road to redemption has no GPS, I found that I had to part with any expectation I had of anybody other than myself, and that in so doing, the work I do on myself will benefit the people who would see my value in their lives and to the ones who didn't see any value, I would have to cut them out. We all have to look long and hard at the people we have in our lives as well as those we surround ourselves with and start taking stock of those people. The question to be asked is: "Do they bring out the best in me or do they bring out the stress in me?" You are the CEO of your life, so start hiring and firing the right people, your success depends on it!
My life is not perfect and I have not arrived at where I am supposed to be, but thank goodness I am not where I used to be! Life still comes at me hard! I have been fighting some really deep battles in the last few months, but I will keep fighting because I want better for myself. I will not settle, I will not be content with mediocre when awesome exists out there! All I can be is the best version of me, and anybody else out there who expects anything different of me can only be setting themselves up for disappointment, as I can only be me and not who they want me to be.
One of the greatest human needs for people is the need to love and be loved in return, but sadly that need is levied with too much expectation and often comes at a great cost to one party, and that is fundamentally the problem most people come to experience in relationships today.
I have walked my path of atonement and I have met with some pretty amazing lessons along that path. The journey has been amazing, as I have experienced an array of emotions, namely excitement, disillusionment, happiness, sadness and principally, I have experienced pride. The journey has shaped me into what I am today, and I don't regret the lessons I have learnt along the way, as it has shown me so much about the energies currently present in my life. The next phase that awaits me now is a cleanup and that will prove to be quite an interesting exercise. The journey is by no means over, as I will constantly work on myself and become better than what I was yesterday.
The reality for many is simply that they can love me, or either leave me, but before you judge me just let me be me and realize life ain't easy. I have gotta keep pushing on because many will judge the faults I have, and overlook the good I have done, and that's fine by me.
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