top of page
Writer's pictureDamien Blaauw

Each one, teach one...

Updated: Feb 8, 2018




I find myself on the cusp of moving on to the big FOUR OH or is it the big FOUR OOOH!


Man! The realization was sobering to say the least, and it brought along with it so many moments of truth for me. The complexities around being a father, husband and just generally a man seem to have been exponentially magnified and the old methodology of ignoring or avoiding the complexities unfortunately cannot be applied. I sometimes feel so helpless, given that I didn't get any guidance on manhood other than the awkward "birds and the bees" talk from my dad and some other situational nuggets based on problems at the time. I realized that those "touchy feely" conversations were not par for the course while growing up and making my foray into manhood. I watched as the world around me changed, and the whole "manly man" paradigm had shifted. The playing fields had shifted from being a tradesman to what was perceived to be "cushy" office jobs, and along with that, the expectation that men would become more vocal and communicate more. We were never ready for that shift, given that there was nobody there to teach us to communicate more, and effectively at that?????


The information age had arrived and I was now inundated with a wealth of information, I was building a career as well as navigating the new landscape of being a fist time father, and the one glaring fact staring me in the face was that I had nobody to speak to about all I was feeling and experiencing. The loneliness was so profound, albeit that I was always surrounded by people and even if I spoke to other males, they were closed off to any conversations that held any emotional content or even the slightest indication thereof. My conversations with my dad were all superficial, and the content was always around what I was doing and whether or not I was succeeding. Admittedly, I was feeling profoundly alone with my thoughts and I found that more and more, there was a voice inside me screaming to come out. The societal norms and constructs around being a male, as well as the subliminal programming that was consistently being perpetuated seemed to amplify this voice inside me. The societal construct allocates the gender based roles, and the construct is so effective that couples seem to automatically default to the expected role allocations. The sad thing is that the conversations followed suite as well, and that just made matters worse for me, as I felt like I had all this emotion and a stack of unsaid things building inside me that I could not say or express because of the "construct". I felt like a "Stepford-wife", as it was always about the image that was portrayed to the outside world, and the main thought process was always around what people would say.


I eventually started studying and the course had a strong emphasis on Emotional Intelligence, and for the first time in my life, I felt like I had been thrown a lifeline for the stifled existence I had been perpetuating. I had to learn various things about myself, including what made me happy, what made me angry and what those trigger points were. Some of the discoveries took me to really dark places, as I had to trace back events in my life that shaped certain behaviors and I then had to unpack those events. The residual effects were interesting as I came to realize that people were not ready to hear what lurked inside of me. All the knowledge I was getting was just putting me in a space where I felt an overwhelming desire to constantly do introspection to understand how I was feeling about things that had happened to me. The introspection in itself led me to question the quality of interactions I was having with all those around me and also prompted the question around how those interactions made people feel. The journey got even more interesting when I signed up for a business opportunity and I was able to attend various training events which focused heavily on personal development. I was introduced to mentors and I now had access to some of the most brilliant minds in the Industry the business was situated in. I remember being at a major training event in the United States and just being filled with this overwhelming feeling of gratitude for having taken the journey of self development, and added to that, getting to see so many males that had taken the same journey. I felt a sense of having "come home" and I experienced a sense of camaraderie amongst these men that was something I had been searching for the longest time. One of the noteworthy experiences that also happened to me at a training event was that I completely broke down in tears with some business partners midway through the training event. We let our emotions show in a really vulnerable way, and there was not an ounce of judgement, well, truth be told, it was hard to find anyone in a room of 2500 people who didn't have a tear or a few in the eyes!


I was bold enough to start a new career, and with it a new job, and oh boy! I wasn't ready for what this journey had in store for me, nor was I ready for the personal effect of this journey I had started. Long story short, I was sent on a journey with a Psychologist for six months or so, and the experience was yet again harrowing to say the least. I had to turn the mirror on myself, and this time some deep introspection ensued. The kind of introspection that made me call myself on my own BS! The key lesson that came out of this for me was that I needed to be authentic! "Authentic! Are you kidding me! I am me all the time!"

I was angry, and mostly, I was in denial as well, as I had held back a very crucial part of myself. I had been holding back, keeping the peace,  taking the high road in all my relationships, both professionally and socially. Damn the societal construct! You got me good! I had forgone my authenticity to meet with the social norms and requirements for both my personal and professional relationships, and then I wondered why I was so bitter! I realized that I was in deep trouble, and that something had to be done! I could not perpetuate this behavior so that my kids in turn could learn from it! I had started questioning everything in my life, and the answers were not adding up. I was faced with two clear choices, do something about it or continue on the same resentful path. I chose to do something about it, but how and what was I to do? The answer was simple really, and all it meant for me was saying what I mean and meaning what I say. Easier said than done, when your construct continually programmed you to not hurt people's feelings, and to always be the bigger person (translated as: "Walk away without saying anything.").

 I grappled with this newly acquired knowledge, as it was easier to implement in my professional surrounds, and a lot less so to do in the personal context. The minefield that exists in the personal context is often the deterrent to having authentic and constructive conversations, and this is why most relationships navigate this aspect on autopilot. My discontent with feeling stifled by my thoughts and feelings eventually won out, and that prompted me to start calling things out. The effects were not particularly pretty, given that not being vocal about much and moving to being vocal about everything tends to unsettle many people. The nett effect being that I now was able to show both my kids, but more so my son that communicating how you feel, and being authentic in your communication should not be something we run from or ignore.


Our kids do as we do, not as we say they should do! The knowledge of that fact alone should inspire us all to be authentic and act in a way that becomes a worthy example to those near and dear to us. Our relentless need to avoid saying or doing certain authentic things simply because of our fear of what others would say should be set aside, given that what people say in the greater scheme of things actually has no effect on the outcomes of our lives. People have their own lives to lead and they couldn't care what our opinions are, and yet we give their opinions so much control in our lives. We have a responsibility to our offspring to set them up for all that life has to throw at them, and it all starts with us being authentic and communicating clearly and consistently. I would love to give my son the ability to speak his mind and express himself, so as not to perpetuate the age old cliche that men shouldn't cry and shouldn't show their feelings. For all the dad's out there, I would urge you to equip your sons with all they require to navigate the minefield that is life. We owe it to them to show them something better!


23 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All

Comments


bottom of page