Good day Folks!
I have been looking at the Global Divorce Statistics lately and some staggering figures jumped out at me, prompting the question: "Is there still a place for marriage in the current societal construct?" The rate of divorce is increasing all the time, pointing to many questions around why people choose to get married in the first place?
I am a statistic, as I have been divorced, and that has led me to ask whether there is in fact a place for marriage in this day and age?
I re-married, and spent the better part of a decade being married the second time round. Many would remark and say: "Second time lucky huh?" I however was fully aware of the fact that luck had nothing to do with it!
It was damn hard work! Blood, sweat and tears damn it!
I spent the last year in therapy in a bid to understand myself as well as what my trigger points are. All in the pursuit of being able to relate to my spouse as well as my colleagues in a more effective and a more meaningful way.
The journey took me on quite a spin, as I was forced to look at myself in a really critical and brutally honest way!
I found myself stripped bare, feeling like I had just been adulting totally wrong! The overriding factor for me was that I was not communicating effectively, and I had to change that real quick.
I found that the easiest place to change my communication style was at work with my colleagues, simply because there was zero emotional attachment.
Home was a totally different kettle of fish! The emotional attachment made it extremely challenging to work on communicating better. I found it to be a mine field that was extremely challenging to navigate, but the reality is that if both parties are mature enough to make an active decision to make effective communication a priority, then most of the hard work would be done. I then stumbled upon an article in the New York Times that put out a set of questions couples should ask to see if they were ready to get married, and that article showed me just how challenging communication can actually be. I will therefore just briefly list the questions in no particular order:
1. How did your family deal with disagreements?
All successful relationships are built on how effectively disagreements are handled. The reality is that our point of reference for many things is how our family would deal with such matters. Couples would get great insights into what the significant other's potential tendencies could be.
2. Would our experiences with our ex's help or hinder the relationship?
Most couples or in most instances, partners find it hard to relate to their significant others having had relationships before them. Some would even perceive a partner who has had many serious relationships before to be a threat, given that they have had more experience at break-ups. The perception is also that such a person offers lower marriage quality as well as a high likelihood for divorce.
3. How important is religion? How will religious holidays be celebrated, if at all?
This is quite an emotive question, and requires the utmost level of honesty as well as maturity. We live in a society where religion is fast becoming obsolete, and this is more often than not overlooked until a wedding is to be had or a child is to undergo a religious rite of some sort. Couples are often deluded into believing that they can follow their own separate paths, until children are added to the equation. If two separate paths are being followed in one household, is that not in fact the precursor to a divorce?
4. Do we like each other's parents?
The average couple more often than not always makes this the first point of compromise. My personal feeling is that this is always the first point of deception. Couples are so enamored with each other that they forego the honest conversation about this question in a bid to not lose each other, but the reality is that not dealing with this question just delays a potential break-up. My view again. Couples who have a united front and a shared understanding of the parental influence in or on their relationship have a better chance of navigating this tricky banana peel than couples who don't.
5. How important is sex to you?
Couples always underestimate the critical importance of this question. Couples expect to remain sexually excited by their spouses, which sadly is not always possible, as this requires work and communication. Couples need to express their expectations around sex in so far as the frequency, intimacy and variability is concerned. Marriage, in my opinion, is often viewed as the place sex goes to die, and one almost has to constantly contract on this topic regularly in order to keep it fresh and exciting.
6. Will we have children, and if so, how will you contribute?
Children are wonderful gifts and they require tons of effort and a clear path as well as a singular example from their parents. It should therefore not come as a surprise that not all people have the desire to be parents. Couples need to be brutally honest about their views on having kids, as nothing creates more resentment than giving into a spouses' desire to have a kid when they don't feel the same. One can almost hear the divorce bells ringing...
7. What is your view on debt?
Financial self sufficiency is a very important facet of any relationship. Couples tend to avoid financial discussions as well as disclosure. It is vitally important to know each other's financial standing, as budgeting would require a proportional approach and both parties need to be comfortable as well as aware of how they contribute within a relationship. Finances are the biggest factor in most divorce cases, so one would be best served to have a discussion about this.
8. What is the most you would be willing to spend on shoes, a couch & a car?
The question may seem almost laughable, but these three items can tell you a whole lot about a person and their spending habits. Couples need to be sure that they prescribe to the same views on financial caution or recklessness.
9. Can you deal with me doing things on my own?
I have often heard it said by spouses that once they get married, the other person has to give up one or the other thing as a result of the marriage. Red Alert! Caution! Couples have to understand that they do not give up their autonomy once married. Certain aspects of the autonomy is merged and generally that is directed at a common goal as a married couple. The other side of the coin however is that couples need to understand their definitions of privacy and respect that. The understanding that there are definitely interests they would pursue in their individual capacities should be clearly articulated and they need to be comfortable with that.
10. How far should we take flirting with other people, and can we watch pornography together?
Couples should table this very early in the relationship, as these views will change over time. Some people are just natural flirts, and it tends to end there, but spouses often outlaw the behavior from the onset, ironically knowing that the flirtatious nature is often what attracted them. The attitudes towards pornography should also be discussed, given that it always becomes a bone of contention later on.
11. Are you aware of the way I express my love?
Sadly, most people feel that the only expression of love is a significant other verbally saying "I love you". Gary Chapman’s 1992 book, “The 5 Love Languages,” introduced this means of categorizing expressions of love to strengthen a marriage. It would be beneficial for people to understand their own language of love first and then to understand the significant other's love language. I would assume that a whole lot of progress could be made in this way?
12. What about me do you find attractive, and what are your pet peeves?
The juxtaposition of these two themes would make for some interesting conversation not so? I mean could you really see the pet peeves outweighing why they are attracted to you? I smell dishonesty about to show up here! Let us however consider the pet peeves in fact coming out triumphant? How does one react?
The core idea here is that "clicking" has to last for an entire marriage, not just at the courting phase!
13. How do you see us in the future?
The answer to this question, if kept in mind can help deal with current conflicts as a couple works towards future relationship goals. The question also opens up a conversation on how potential divorce could be dealt with.
These questions create quite powerful albeit emotionally charged conversations, but if handled correctly, they yield decidedly meaningful relationships.
I would be quite interested to hear the views and opinions out there...
Comments