Unwanted: The Emotional Truth Behind Male Desire
- Damien Blaauw
- Jul 18
- 4 min read
Introduction
As a man well into his forties, I’ve had time to sit with some hard truths—lessons I wish someone had told me when I was younger. Chief among them is this one:
“Sex, for many men, isn’t just about pleasure—it’s about feeling wanted, valued, and emotionally connected.”
It’s a message I never received growing up, and it’s a conversation I never had in any of my serious relationships, until it was far too late. Hell, even amongst my male friends with whom many topics come up, was this never ever talked about even remotely!
The Disconnect We Never Talk About
Looking back on failed marriages and faltering relationships, I see how often I reached for intimacy—not out of lust, but from a deep emotional need. A desire to feel close, reassured, and loved.
We never talked about it, and what we don’t talk about, we misunderstand. Sadly, what we misunderstand, we often lose.
The Myth of Male Sexuality
Society has long pushed the idea that men are ruled by lust and detached from emotional meaning in sex. The prevailing image is of men as hunters—seeking conquest and novelty. But this stereotype is not only simplistic—it’s deeply damaging.
“When sex slows or stops, many men don’t feel denied. They feel unwanted.”
This myth has shaped how many women interpret male desire, leading them to assume it’s purely physical or even selfish. In reality, many men are reaching for sex as a way to reconnect emotionally.
What the Research Says
Psychological research tells a different story.
Studies from The Kinsey Institute and The Journal of Sex Research show that men often use sex to express and seek emotional intimacy.
Dr. John Gottman found that relationship satisfaction in men is often tied not just to sexual frequency—but to whether their partner is emotionally available during intimacy.
Neuroscience supports this too. Men, like women, release oxytocin—the bonding hormone—during sex. Especially when emotionally invested.
“For many men, sex is not just desire—it’s emotional language.”
Wired for Connection
Taken from evolutionary psychology and attachment theory, we learn that:
Men are often socialized to repress vulnerability.
Emotional expression isn’t modeled well for boys growing up.
So what’s left? Sexual desire—as the one “acceptable” way to express closeness.
Sex becomes the primary language for emotional connection.
Men with anxious or avoidant attachment styles especially struggle to communicate their emotional needs. In their case, sex becomes a proxy for belonging. A ritual of closeness.
The Emotional Toll of Rejection
In long-term relationships, when life inevitably gets in the way—kids, stress, aging—sex often takes a backseat. Sadly, for a man who equates sex with emotional closeness, this can be catastrophic.
“When sex fades, many men don’t just feel sexually frustrated. They feel emotionally abandoned.”
This is often the hidden wound that leads to disconnection, infidelity, or emotional withdrawal—not because men are selfish, but because they feel unseen.
The Feminist Shift—And Its Unintended Impact
Feminism has rightly empowered women to claim their bodies and sexual agency, but it has also, in certain radical strands, painted male sexual desire as inherently selfish or predatory.
This has led many men to internalize shame around their desire. Many feel afraid to express their needs for fear of being accused of toxicity or manipulation.
“In the effort to liberate one gender, we must not silence the other.”
Feminism aims for equality and understanding, but if we exclude men’s emotional truths from that conversation, we breed silence. We fuel disconnection. We widen the gap.
What We Can Do Differently
For Men
Learn to name your emotional needs. Say:
“I feel distant from you lately.”
“I miss being close.”Don’t let sex be your only language of love. Practice vulnerability.
For Women
Understand that your partner’s sexual desire may be his way of saying:
“I still choose you.”
“I still love you.”
You don’t have to say yes every time—but recognize that sex might be more emotional than you think.
For Couples
Talk more openly. What does sex represent for each of you? When do you feel most connected?What are your emotional needs behind physical intimacy?
Final Reflections
If I could go back and talk to my younger self, I’d tell him:
“It’s okay to want sex not just for pleasure, but for affirmation.”
Your emotional needs are not weakness. They’re human.
Don’t wait for your partner to “just know.” Speak! Open up. Be honest.
Sex, for many men, is not a trophy, a transaction, or a demand.It’s a plea: “See me. Want me. Choose me.”
Once we start listening—with more compassion, on both sides—maybe fewer relationships would fall apart in the silence.
Getting older has come with many impactful lessons, and inherently it has made me realize that I have to be that voice I didn't have as I was coming up in life. I have to have these conversations with my son, with young men I mentor and also within my male friendship circle. I have come to see over time that men have so many conversations that never happen because we were raised to bottle up everything.
Time to break the cycle I guess!
Hoping this helps someone out there. Ciao!
Comments