Unspoken Deals That Ruin: My Journey with Covert Contracts

What I Gave Without Asking—and Why It Nearly Cost Me Everything

How Covert Contracts & Unmet Expectations Nearly Destroyed Everything

"I did everything for you, and this is how you repay me?" I’ve never said that. I've heard it said by many. I have felt that though, and if I’m honest, it was the invisible thread that silently choked my two marriages.

🧠 What I Learned About Covert Contracts

At some point, I came across the concept of Covert Contracts, and it hit me like a freight train. This idea—popularized by Dr. Robert Glover in No More Mr. Nice Guy—finally gave language to something I’d been doing for years without even realizing it.

A covert contract is when I give, support, sacrifice, or bend over backwards—not out of pure generosity—but with a hidden expectation that the other person will reciprocate in a very specific way… without me ever telling them.

My Definition? It’s when I act out love, care, or commitment while secretly hoping they’ll love me more, be more loyal, give me more sex, appreciate me, or just not leave me.

Well, here’s the kicker though: they never signed that deal. It was a contract I wrote in my head and expected them to honor blindly.

🌱 How It All Started for Me

Like many people, I picked this up early in life.

Growing up, I learned that being the responsible one, the quiet one, the one who doesn’t complain earned me affection—or at least kept me safe. So I internalized the belief that if I just met other people’s needs without question, mine would eventually be met too.(Man, was I so wrong!)

This mindset followed me into adulthood. Romantic relationships became the stage where I thought:

• If I love her, she’ll love me.

• If I keep the peace and never complain, she’ll see how good she has it.

• If I buy her things, she'd initiate sex, and it would happen more often.

I never said these things out loud. I never asked for them directly, but I expected them—and when they didn’t happen, I felt betrayed.

🧩 The Psychology That Explained It All

Once I started digging, I found that covert contracts are rooted in some pretty powerful psychological patterns:

1. Transactional Thinking

I wasn’t giving freely. I was making hidden emotional deposits and expecting withdrawals later—love, sex, loyalty, appreciation. But no one else knew the terms.

2. Passive Communication

I rarely voiced my needs. I hoped my partner would just “know.” I thought asking was weak, needy, or selfish. So I stayed quiet. And simmered.

3. Attachment Wounds

I carried both anxious and avoidant traits. I feared abandonment, so I over-gave. I feared rejection, so I stayed silent. It was a cocktail for disappointment.

4. Cognitive Distortions

I fell into mind-reading and personalization. I believed if someone really loved me, they’d just get it. Spoiler: they didn’t. Because they couldn’t.

🔥 The Fallout: What It Did to My Relationships

• Resentment

I gave until I was empty. Then I felt bitter when I didn’t get what I never asked for. I’d think:

“After all I’ve done? Seriously?” But they weren’t psychic. They were just living their life.

• Emotional Shutdown

Eventually, I’d stop talking. Stop caring. Or worse—I’d erupt emotionally over things that had nothing to do with the real issue. The silence between us would grow, thick and impenetrable.

• Emotional or Physical Infidelity

When my needs went unmet and I felt unseen, I found myself emotionally wandering. I didn’t always cross a line physically, but I crossed it mentally—seeking connection, appreciation, and affirmation somewhere else.

• Martyrdom

I wore my suffering like a badge: “Look how good I’ve been.” But under the surface, I was weaponizing my kindness—keeping emotional receipts and handing out guilt when they didn’t repay me with devotion.

🛠 How I Started Breaking the Pattern

1. I Call It What It Is

Sadly, I only see the light now, after two failed marriages, so whenever I catch myself thinking, “they should have…” or “after all I’ve done…”, I stop and ask:

Did I ever ask for what I needed? Did we ever agree on this?

Most of the time, the answer was no, but as they say, Hindsight is 20/20.

2. I Make the Covert Overt

I now have honest, sometimes awkward conversations:

• “I am not comfortable with that. Please don't ask that of me.”

• “I am really not happy when you...”

• “I realized I’ve been expecting you to ...—but I never said that. That’s on me.”

Scary? Yes. But also freeing. Sadly, still not the easiest thing to do!(I'm learning though)

3. I Let Go of the ‘Nice Guy’ Mask

I stopped performing. Stopped trying to earn love by being easy, agreeable, and invisible. Love isn’t a reward for self-sacrifice. It’s an agreement between two people who see and value each other.

4. I Got Help

I couldn’t unpack all of this alone. Therapy helped. A lot. I needed to trace these behaviors back to childhood, reframe the beliefs, and learn to express what I actually needed.(Childhood wounds are sneaky little buggers!)

🧭 What I Know Now

Covert contracts don’t create closeness. They create debt. They’re based on fear, not connection. Manipulation, not maturity.

I used to think:

“If I just love hard enough, they’ll love me back the way I want.”

Now I know:

“If I speak my truth clearly, I give them a chance to truly meet me—or not. Either way, I’m free.”

✍️ Questions I Ask Myself Now

• What quiet deals am I still making in my relationships?

• Am I giving from generosity—or expectation?

• Have I clearly said what I need?

“Expectations are resentments waiting to happen.” — Anne Lamott

Letting go of covert contracts doesn’t just make you a better partner—it makes you more honest. More grounded. And ironically… more loved.

Now I know, if someone chooses me, they’re choosing the real me.

Life has a funny way of teaching you lessons, sadly we are hardly equipped to remediate, let alone identify the lesson. My hope is that in some way, this helps at least one person and their relationship if it's not too far gone already. Ciao!