I have had occasion to reflect on my situation of late, and it produced some really insightful tidbits albeit somewhat distressing for me.
Generally, we as the male species tend to find partners that speak to a set of requirements that we have in our heads, and that set of requirements varies from guy to guy, but the inescapable fact is that there is definitely a set of requirements!
The problem however is that from a male perspective, we tend to miss some of the clear red flags that are put out before we fully commit to a relationship or a partner to be precise.
The general consensus is that women are more intuitive and perceptive of situations and behaviours when deciding on whether or not to commit to someone, as their criteria for relationships are generally according the "general consensus", and one can almost say they have a radar for "red flags". The very first sight of a red flag for the finer sex sends them as well as the prospective partner into a tailspin, as the female persuasion will address the situation in order to either clarify what they perceive as a red flag in order to assess whether it warrants the prospective suitor being kicked to the curb or whether the red flag was in fact a misunderstood or misread occurrence.
The male persuasion on the other hand generally find a prospective suitor and move full steam ahead into building a relationship, or better stated, establishing ownership of the prospective suitor. Generally the only rationalisation that occurs for males is that ownership must be established, and territory requires marking. The male species are wired to solve problems, so once they have settled on a prospective partner, their efforts are focussed on solving for any issues that may arise. Unlike the female species, males are not particularly phased by red flags, as sometimes it would appear that the male ego has an arrogant view that red flags are not anything to be concerned over.
I have now come to realise for myself that red flags are actually meant to be heeded and taken seriously, as failure to do so would eventually end in so many unnecessary problems.
Red flags can be different things to different people, given that we all have our own set of requirements as well as expectations for ourselves and the lives we have in mind. I was always that guy who would give in to every whim levied on me by my partner, as I just wanted my partner to be happy, but sadly it was mostly always to my own detriment, as I clearly ignored very clear red flags of my own. It took me some time to see and understand this and sadly the cost of ignoring the red flags was quite steep for me.
The cost you may ask? Well, let's just say failed marriages, a truckload of financial expenses, scarred children and a world of emotional turmoil.
I was always a guy who was sure of himself, quietly confident, focused and most importantly very private. I found in retrospect that I abandoned many of the traits that inherently made me who I am for the sake of the relationships I got into in the past.
Looking back I found myself totally embarrassed by some of the blatant red flags I ignored, and then looking back as well to the pain I felt when those relationships ended and the countless hours and months spent questioning what went wrong.
Red Flags!!!!!! The red flags was what went wrong all the time! I needed to understand how to identify these red flags and then also how to overcome or avoid them. The requirement in simple terms just meant I needed a deeper understanding of myself! Easy right?! Think again! The sad reality is that most people have a sense of who they are, not a clear understanding of themselves. I don't say that disrespectfully, as there are in fact folk out there with a very clear understanding of themselves, but the greater majority go through life without any level of self-awareness much less any sense of self.
The process was just for me to get back in touch with myself, and to start listening to my inner voice as well as starting to get in touch with my gut feelings.
It has been quite a journey thus far, and I will not be presumptuous to say that I have now emerged all-knowing and enlightened, but what I do know is that I am now able to look back and clearly identify the red flags and apply that knowledge going forward.
I look back on some instances where I chalked it down to peer pressure, only to realise that I was actually succumbing to self-induced pressure.
I would get involved with women who smoked, even though I personally despise smoking and eventually my feelings of loathe towards smoking would render me miserable in those relationships. I also dabbled with women who liked partying up a storm even though that wasn't who I was, and that too ended in regret and pain. I ventured into relationships with women who had different spiritual beliefs to mine, and my ignorance of that red flag ended in pain and fractured friendships. I also walked down the path of ignoring the fact that it was never in my plans to have kids, and that is a big one for most people, as they generally never express that sentiment at the fear of society judging them for not wanting to procreate!
I must however say that I love my kids dearly, and I would gladly lay down my life for them, but I was not on the page of having any kids really.
Other red flags I have encountered in my time, which I have ignored include attitudes toward money, attitudes toward family, expectation setting, spatial awareness, boundary setting, totally misaligned interests, attitudes toward travel and my personal favourite attitudes toward personal development.
I have had to pencil the ignorance of these red flags down squarely to one factor, in my case, and that simply put was my fear of ending up alone. The fear of ending up alone was always one of those fears I could not face up to or even entertain in my mind. I felt that I had all of me to share with someone, and therefore, ending up alone was definitely not anywhere on my radar. I would not even want to contemplate being alone! I had to, over time come to the clear understanding that I am a deep introvert, who enjoys his solitude and prefers being alone, as I spent my formative school years, before the societal expectations and norms fell upon me.
I started to embrace my solitude again, and found solace in my own company as I rediscovered and started loving myself again.
I must admit that the journey to finding and loving myself again is by far the most challenging journey I am on, as you have to be so honest and brutal with yourself about so many of the bullshit stories you feed yourself, not to mention the self-loathing that you learn along the way.
We are often our own harshest critics, and our criticism of ourselves sometimes borders on out-and-out emotional abuse for the most part, as we judge ourselves so harshly as a result of at some point having let ourselves down. Such behaviours simply leave us with a totally negative self-image of ourselves, and often we rob ourselves of the opportunity to learn to love ourselves first! Let's face it, if you are unable to love yourself first, where on God's green earth do you think it will be possible for you to love somebody else!
I have learned that I am actually a selfish individual, who, should he choose to get back into a relationship with someone, would require all of that person's time. I don't like sharing and I don't like having someone dictate to me what I should and should not be doing. I have clear opinions on spirituality and issues of faith, self-development, family, parenting, finances & travel. I have shed my fear of being alone, and I have found that I quite enjoy my own company. I saw a meme once that says:" I am so funny, I should date myself", and that is exactly the relationship I am looking for! I want to continually fall in love with me, and by default, date me. I say that simply because in me doing that, I become a better version of me, should I decide to date anybody else. I guess the thing about red flags is that we need to be able to have conversations with the relevant persons when these red flags arise, as it simply alerts them to something and vice versa us of something that creates an issue we are not happy with. It is only fair to both parties that red flags get raised, because the main cause of relationships & marriages breaking up is unmet expectations. #blaauwchronicles #donttalkaboutitbeaboutit #lifestyle #boss #legend #bespoke #dapper #winning #dmoney #dolcevita #itsalllove #loveyours #legacy #authenticity #persistence #redflag #selflove
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