The State Of Relationships Today
- Damien Blaauw
- 3 hours ago
- 4 min read
Why Men Are Withdrawing from Modern Dating: A Psychological Perspective
I recently stumbled across a YouTube video titled “Women Still Have No Clue Why Men Want Nothing To Do With Them Anymore”. It’s the kind of headline engineered to generate outrage and views, but behind the clickbait lies a real frustration that many people are experiencing.
Looking at it from the perspective of psychology focusing on relationships, we meet both men and women who feel let down by the state of modern dating. The truth is more complex than “men don’t want women anymore.” What we’re seeing is a cultural and psychological transition that has left both genders disoriented.
The Collapse of Old Scripts
For decades, dating operated on clear gender scripts: men pursued, women responded. It was reductive, but it was familiar.
Now those roles have been dismantled. Women’s independence, higher education, and career success mean relationships are no longer necessary for survival. Marriage has become optional, not compulsory.
“If I’m not valued as a provider or protector, what do I bring to the table at all?” — a common question heard from men in therapy.
Psychologist Erik Erikson described young adulthood as the struggle between intimacy and isolation. Without a clear sense of self, intimacy falters. Many men today feel adrift because the old definitions of masculinity no longer apply, yet new ones aren’t widely taught.
The Fear of Missteps
The number one complaint heard from male clients? They’re afraid of being seen as creepy.
Social interaction is a performance, as sociologist Erving Goffman argued, and the rules of this performance have blurred. A gesture that one woman interprets as kind might strike another as intrusive.
The Pew Research Center reports that men are more uncertain than women about whether romantic advances are welcome. That uncertainty fuels withdrawal.
An anonymous friend, let's call him Mark, 34, told me:“I wanted to start a conversation with a woman at a resturant, but I imagined a dozen ways it could go wrong. In the end, I stayed silent. I always stay silent.”
Women’s Changing Relationship with Marriage
On the other side, women are redefining partnership. By 2023, over half of women aged 18–40 were single. Marriage is no longer the default path.
This reflects Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Once survival and security are met, people pursue growth, purpose, and fulfillment. Many women now view relationships through this higher lens: Will this partnership enrich me? Or will it hold me back?
Another friend of mine, let's call her Sarah, 29, put it simply:“I don’t need someone to pay my bills. I need someone who knows how to listen and make me feel seen.”
The Systemic Anxiety of Dating
Family systems theorist Murray Bowen would call this a chronic anxiety field. This postulates that when one part of a system shifts, the whole system destabilizes.
We see this in the mutual blame:
Men accuse women of being unapproachable.
Women accuse men of being emotionally unavailable.
Both sides claim the other “doesn’t want relationships.”
In reality, we’re in the middle of systemic rebalancing. The old contract has dissolved. The new one is still being negotiated.
Psychological Roots of Withdrawal
Several theories help explain why men disengage instead of adapting:
Attachment Theory: Men with avoidant attachment struggle with the demands for openness and vulnerability.
Learned Helplessness (Seligman): After repeated rejection, some men stop trying entirely.
Identity Threat (Steele): When masculinity feels under attack, retreat can feel safer than recalibration.
Building Healthier Scripts
The way forward isn’t a return to outdated gender roles. It’s the co-creation of new ones. That begins with emotional literacy.
Vulnerability, empathy, and relational skills are not optional extras in modern relationships. They are the foundation.
In therapy, men are helped to expand their emotional vocabulary beyond “angry,” “happy,” and “frustrated.” Naming sadness, fear, or insecurity often feels unnatural at first, but it unlocks authentic connection.
Women, too, benefit from embracing reciprocity. Independence is powerful, but intimacy requires openness to reliance and support. The strongest couples I see are those who can be both autonomous and interdependent.
A Clinical Perspective on Hope
Let's take a hypothetical couple, James and Lina, who nearly separated. James confessed:“I thought being a good provider was enough. But now she wants me to share feelings I barely understand myself.”
Through therapy, James learned to articulate insecurities he had buried for years. Lina, in turn, learned to recognize effort without dismissing it. Their marriage didn’t just survive, it thrived.
Stories like theirs remind me: cultural scripts may shift, but the human need for love, recognition, and connection remains constant.
Conclusion
The YouTube video reduces modern dating to a soundbite: women are clueless, men are done. The truth is that psychology reveals something deeper.
We are in a transition. The old rules are gone. The new rules are unclear. All that uncertainty creates withdrawal, frustration, and conflict. Yet it also offers opportunity; the chance to build relationships more conscious, equitable, and fulfilling than those of the past.
If you feel lost in today’s dating world, you are not alone. We are all writing the script together, and while the process is messy, it is also profoundly human.
Truth be told, I have for a long time seen this coming. I have my misgivings of where we are as men and women in the relationship shpere for reasons based on my own experiences, but also keenly observing others as well.
Fact is chemistry fades, our libido's are mismatched, women want different things to the men in their lives, rejection within relationships happen daily and we all are just expected to accept that this is how it must be. As a man, I can fully see why men are retreating from relationships. I guess we will have to watch and see where it all goes.
Ciao!
Damien
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