Relationships are supposed to be our safe havens, the places where we can be our most authentic selves.
Yet, I’ve learned that this ideal can be hard to attain when certain topics become taboo. I have even questioned whether relationships are for me as a result of all my experiences. Maintaining peace by avoiding these conversations often leads to an internal conflict that can be just as damaging as an open argument.
In my relationships, there were subjects we would tread around like landmines—religion, money, sexual needs, and future dreams.
At first, it seemed easier to sidestep these contentious areas, after all, why rock the boat when everything else is smooth sailing? Right?
Sadly, over time, this strategy of avoidance turned into a silent war within myself, and started showing its cracks.
The Strain of Silence
The first casualty of this silent war is honesty. Every time I bit my tongue, I felt a part of me retreating. I started to wonder if I was truly being seen or if I was just presenting a version of myself that kept the peace, and was what my partner wanted to see. This wasn’t just about my partner not knowing my opinions or feelings; it was about me hiding significant parts of who I am. It was a form of self-betrayal that ate away at the foundation of trust.
The Erosion of Intimacy
Intimacy isn’t just physical. It’s also the deep emotional connection that comes from sharing our thoughts, fears, and dreams, and when we avoid certain topics, we create barriers that prevent true intimacy. I’ve noticed that while conversations remained pleasant, they lacked depth. There was always a growing sense of distance, a feeling that we’re skating on the surface rather than diving into the deep end where real connection happens.
The Danger of Resentment
Unspoken words don’t disappear; they fester. Avoiding difficult conversations leads to resentment. I found myself harboring unvoiced grievances that slowly built up, creating a rift that was hard to bridge. Every time I suppressed my true feelings, I added another brick to the wall between us. This resentment wasn’t just harmful to the relationship; it was also toxic to my own well-being.
The Fear of Conflict
Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, but avoiding it out of fear is damaging, and by not addressing issues head-on, we’re not giving ourselves the chance to grow and understand each other better. I’ve realized that the fear of conflict is often worse than the conflict itself, and when we finally do confront the avoided topics, the relief and clarity that followed was usually worth the initial discomfort.
Building a Healthier Relationship
So, what’s the solution? How do we move past this silent war and create a healthier, more honest relationship? Here are a few steps I have found which one should implement:
Open Communication: It’s crucial to establish a safe space where both partners can speak openly without fear of judgment or backlash. This requires patience, empathy, and active listening.
Regular Check-ins: Setting aside time for regular emotional check-ins can help address small issues before they become big problems. This can be a weekly or monthly ritual where both partners share their thoughts and feelings.
Mutual Respect: Respecting each other’s viewpoints, even when they differ, is key. It’s important to remember that disagreement doesn’t equate to disrespect.
Professional Help: Sometimes, a neutral third party can help navigate difficult conversations. Couples therapy can provide tools and strategies to communicate more effectively.
Embracing the Challenge
Being in a relationship means being willing to face challenges together, but sadly we are not taught this. It means embracing difficult conversations as opportunities for growth rather than threats to harmony. I’m learning that true peace isn’t the absence of conflict but the presence of understanding and connection.
By avoiding certain topics, I thought I was keeping the peace, but now, I see that I was merely delaying the inevitable(end of the relationship) and creating a war within myself. It’s time to break the silence, face the uncomfortable truths, and work towards relationships that thrive on authenticity and open communication. Only then can we truly be at peace, both with each other and within ourselves.
The phenomenon is so ingrained and widespread, and we are taught this behavior by our parents and peers, not fully understanding the effects and consequences that come with the behavior. We need to be cognizant and guard against it...
The Silent War: The Dangers of Avoiding and not Having Certain Topics in Relationships...
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