I have been chatting to some of my other male colleagues around the matter of blended families, as I am currently living the reality of having to deal with a blended family, and it was interesting finding someone who firstly was okay with having the conversation and secondly having a really forthright and honest insight into their experience of it.
Mine is a situation that really perturbed me, as I had come out of one relationship and my sole concern was how my daughter would be incorporated into the new construct. My first instinct is always protecting her and now to come into a new relationship where my spouse also brings kids into the picture creates some concern. Most people have different parenting philosophies, and my situation was no different as I have set expectations on parenting and merging that with my spouse's philosophies was the task that needed to be done. Long story short, that never happened. In as much as I had fears of how somebody else would apply themselves in the joint raising of my child, my spouse had the same concerns and as a result of those fears, she chose to exclude me from the joint parenting model.The decision was one that brought about huge disruption in the household and sadly, the nett effect was not particularly flattering for the children as it had such a profound effect on them without them even having realized the actual effect.
The death knell of any partnership/relationship or anything that is to be built by two parties is a deviation from the goal or better stated, having two different paths/approaches to it. I guess it comes down to having a sense that not getting your way is a loss, and that is generally a human condition that afflicts most of us. The departure point should always be about a shared goal or aspiration that is to be worked toward.
In the case of a blended family, it simply means having the same set of circumstances for all parties concerned as a means of achieving what is best for all who make up the blended family. Of course there will be trade-offs and negotiation! The guiding principle however is that decisions are made as a collective and that unless there is consensus around the decision, then the decision should not be taken.
I have picked up on a major failure point of mine, and it was exactly the fact that there was never shared purpose or a common goal that was being worked towards. I have come to realize that relationships are more than two people just wanting to be together and by default wanting to build a life together under the assumption that things will just work themselves out in the absence of a clear common goal or purpose. So I just meandered along the blended family arrangement we had put together, not wanting to say anything to upset the proverbial apple-cart, but as the realization kicked in around the fact that I was just footing the bill for medical aid and sharing other expenses in the home, I reached a point where I couldn't keep quiet anymore. Decisions were being made around me, disrespect was constant and fights became commonplace around the children as well as the entitlements that were expected. I was labelled all sorts of things and often found myself within earshot of some of the horrible things that were said, but I could not say a word about it given that the door to that was not opened to me. The occasions on which I raised these with my spouse very quickly erupted into heated arguments between us which as could be expected, resulted in just more resentment and animosity between us as a result of us not being open to setting a course for what we wanted to achieve with our blended scenario. The view was that I was hard on her kids and lenient with my own, which generally takes us all back to the initial concerns around getting into a blended family setup, and even though the merits of such an accusation were lacking, I had to face up to this purely because I was dealing with three females with varying degrees of emotional content and for me as a male, it would always be a lose-lose situation! The frustration for me in this regard was so real, given that I was not dealing with any form of logic, but purely with raw emotion.
Decisions in respect of the children were made in isolation and often as a result of emotional blackmail as well as playing us up against each other, resulting in some really challenging situations myself and my spouse had to navigate, creating more division between us. The annoying bit for me was always me having to come in and clean up after bad decisions had been made, only to move into the next bout of bad decision making and remediation thereof. A common theme in blended families is one of the respective kids playing the parents up against each other because they feel that they are losing out on something, and that is indicative of a failure on the part of the parents to set the direction/goal for all parties concerned. Defining the rules of engagement are critical to avoid this pitfall, but then again, both parents have to be on the same page with this as well as enforcing it too, bringing it all back to the common purpose/shared goal.
We failed to nail down the rules of engagement and that resulted in massive communication failure around managing expectations for the collective. My daughter only lived with us over weekends and some school vacations, so it would have been irrational to say that she lived with us, which could explain the constant misinterpretation of how I applied different rules for her. My spouse could not compute certain factors to our blended scenario, chief of which was that I could not sanction rules that were not made in our home. We all have to be cognizant of the fact that the children are subjected to different rules and circumstances outside of the homes where the blended concept is in effect, and if one is not at a certain level of self awareness, it becomes increasingly difficult to apply any form of logic.
The attention to detail as well as self awareness in a blended scenario is critical to it's success, given all the inputs one has to navigate in order to make sound and solid decisions, not to mention the preservation of the spousal relationship which is always secondary to the parent-child relationship. One can easily see the delicate balancing act that is required in these situations, as the re-inforcement of the idea that no parent's place is being taken here, but rather that an additional parent is being gained in the process is paramount to the success of settling not only the children but all the parents involved. The term "It takes a village to raise a child" comes into the picture very clearly in this construct and the resultant thinking or solutioning in this regard requires all parents to have one fundamental understanding that everything should be done to the benefit of the children and in no way be a reflection on anyone's ability or inability.
I am no expert and I guess that finding the right mix for your blended family albeit by trial and error, requires focused effort and clear purpose for it to be successful. The concept of sacred cows should be out the door, as the construct requires some forthright and uncomfortable conversations and shared understanding in order to make a success of a blended family scenario.
The key failure point for most blended family scenarios based on my experience as well as conversations I have had with people in the same situation is that the communication between partners/spouses is lacking, and very often even avoided around key emotive topics and pertinent decisions within the household. Key battles in every blended family scenario always come down to the respective factions of kids trying to play the partners/spouses up against each other, and the way the partners/spouses deal with those instances determines whether or not they are committed to truly building a blended family. One can very easily lose sight of the fact that the effort required to build a blended family starts with an iron-willed intent to create a space of equality, safety and most importantly love. The two parents are required to bring certain elements for the overall development of the kids to the fore, and generally the good cop bad cop scenario of the male bringing the discipline and the female counterpart bringing the nurturing side to the mix to ensure a balanced household. It should not be inferred though that the discipline and nurturing roles can't be interchanged between the male and female counterparts, as the typecasting of roles or responsibilities just creates more friction in blended scenarios. The fundamental requirement for the parties is that the value systems are aligned before stepping into a blended family scenario, as the misalignment of values primarily erodes anything that is being built, simply because different value systems are ripe pickings for arguments and even intense fights, leading to couples fighting with each other and forgetting that they have a blended family to build. The key factor is that the couple decided to get together and awareness around the fact that there are kids in the mix was clearly there, so by default, you accept your partner with their kids and as a couple, you engage actively around how you will collectively make the arrangement work. The sad reality is that most couples don't have the level of self awareness or maturity to have the crucial conversations about how things will work as well as what the terms of engagement will be before jumping into such a construct. The departure point for all blended family scenarios is that everything needs to be done for the benefit and development of the children, while nurturing and growing the couples relationship as well. An environment of open and honest communication should be inculcated and an active listening to understand culture should be the norm in order to build a really formidable blended family.
Blended families are really tough to build, but they are not impossible to build and as indicated earlier, it requires a clear will and sense of purpose to be built successfully. The conversations I have had give me real insights into the fact that most couples apply a mindset of losing something in allowing their significant other to have a say on the rearing or discipline of their children, and as a result, they lose out on the opportunity to really build something amazing!
I guess the only question I am left with is what is YOUR blend?
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