We all have our ups and downs personally, and I am no stranger to the ebbs and flows one's personal life throws at you, but yet again, I was pushed to reset my personal life!
I had been working on myself for the last few years and I was learning so many new things in the process which stretched and grew me as well as my understanding of many things in and around me. I had tried to translate that growth into my relationships, but alas, not all of the relationships were open to or even ready for that. I was left feeling empty as a result of it and that emptiness started building into resentment, as I was able to see the gulf between myself and my spouse as well as a few other relationships I had fostered over time. I started looking at reasons why the gulf was there, but more so at why it had grown so big, knowing full well that all people grow at a different pace. The gulf however between my spouse and I was staggeringly huge. We did not connect on any meaningful level, and we were just on autopilot!
Routines were in place and they had to be maintained, given that as human beings we are enamored with our comfort zones. I realized right there that my love of comfort zones had killed off some things for me, knowing full well that comfort zones are great places, but nothing ever
grows there.
I craved intellectual stimulation and somebody other than myself that would push me to grow more, but sadly, that was not in place for me. The more I pursued it with my spouse, the more I was thrown with routine and complaints of how hectic everything was, only to see the hope of any growth on that front die. All I got were more and more demands of what we didn't have and what we couldn't afford. I felt so stifled and it was like everything was closing in around me. My kids were on a path of growth which kept me thoroughly challenged and spoke to a part of me that required that. The paradigm shift with them was amazing to see, and although they would throw some challenging questions and conversations at me, the critical relationship with my spouse was decaying and dying at a rapid rate.
I experienced an apathy from her that really killed my spirit daily, and the more I tried to address it, the more I was labelled judgmental. The comfort zone had totally killed off any hope of growth there, as I was providing all the safety, physiological & comfort needs, which rendered any growth as a couple off limits. I took the hint, and backed off, but my resentment kept growing and the apathy on her part also just kept growing.
I started seeing the death of the relationship more clearly now, and the sense of inevitability of that eventuality started sitting firmly on my chest was no longer in the background, it was front and center all the time! The apathy grew into more demands and expectations to be levied on me, as I was the "man" in the relationship, a pertinent statement which would always be thrown in to remind me of my perceived responsibility. The very mention of that infuriated me, as I had seen myself as quite a progressive individual, and the assumption I made was that my spouse was progressive as well. Sadly, the reality for me was that my spouse spoke a good game, but was stuck in a mental model she never chose to question or challenge.
The biblical references thrown out with this mental model would come thick and fast, but sadly the context was never always relevant and to large extents as I later came to discover, not even understood. I came to realize that all I provided was a life of convenience, and that ownership was assumed over me, rendering any hope of mutual growth all but a fantasy.
I made some interesting realizations with this upon some deeper reflection, and the findings were sad to say the least.
Generally people go out there with a laundry list of characteristics and traits they expect in a potential life partner, but sadly, they never reflect on what they need to be in order to be ready for such a find.
The harsh reality is that looks fade, and all you are left with in the end is the conversation, but if you haven't grown together and fed each other intellectually, you find that once the looks fade, all that is left is a big ball of resentment and many awkward silences.
I had hit this place really hard now, and the other realization that came into stark contrast was energy! I started taking note of the energies I was surrounding myself with, and the clean out of the bad energies was required. We had allowed people to come into our home and leave their negative or bad energies there, almost creating a breeding ground for all of this negative energy that had been collecting. I had to start looking very honestly at the energies surrounding me, and I had to act really decisively, as the energies had just become a destructive force in our lives. I had for many years just ignored and not said anything around this phenomenon, knowing all too well that my spouse held indiscriminate conversations that were destructive to building anything positive, and I had been complicit by my silence, which indirectly condoned the behavior as I had not chastised or challenged it in my home. A wise person once said that evil thrives when good people do or say nothing, and I had sat with this guilt for so many years.
I knew in the early stages of my relationship with my spouse that authenticity and honesty where questionable, but when the heart is hungry, we feed on the lies. My failure to address and confront this in the beginning of the relationship had led to a build-up of apathy and failure to take any responsibility or accountability for her behaviors and actions. The guilt was eating me alive and the resentment just kept growing, and all along I kept second guessing myself around this by saying that I wanted to avoid confrontation and it was not my place to say anything, all in the name of keeping the peace.
I had two kids who had been brought into all of this without having asked to be dealt this plight, and the sadness that plagued me as a result of that became unbearable, as they were questioning many things and trying to understand a situation they were not getting any explanations for.
I was wrong for having sought out what I was missing with another woman, I was wrong for that hurt and pain that had caused, but I paid the price by being thrown out of my home, getting myself and my car assaulted. I paid the price and took accountability as well as responsibility for my actions in the knowledge that I could not go on living what I thought was a life.
My paradigm was now being challenged and it required action from me! I wanted something different, and that meant doing something different. I had outgrown my spouse, and I felt guilty about it, but the inescapable truth was that I could not force her to grow, and for all the pushing I had done, if she was not ready to grow or was not willing to grow, no amount of pushing from my side would help.
I had to stop taking that guilt on myself, and I had to realize that we can only grow ourselves, and not anyone else around us. The other stark reality that hit me was the fact that there are three sides to every story, sadly, the human condition often facilitates us creating stories that help us package these instances in ways that are plausible to us or for our own interests.
I realized in this time who was in my corner, and exactly who was not, as human beings tend to feel the need to choose sides based on their own selfish reasons. I learnt the difference between people who would want to be spectators for your pain and those who would be cheerleaders for your growth and recovery. The one thing I took on board very quickly was that you can always count on people to be people, as people act in their own selfish interests to gain from you what they can and not always to help you. Most people are only with you as long as they can get things from you, and when you are no longer in a position to do things for them, they turn on you.
We all want what we feel entitled to, but very few are willing to find out what the corresponding or better stated, what the related responsibilities are.The law around this is universal, as one cannot reap where you have not sown!
We all have lofty ambitions and unrealistic expectations of others and yet we do not ensure that we hold ourselves to the self same ambitions and expectations. I learned through my therapist that relationships are finite if both parties do not grow and re-invent themselves, and I have paid dearly in learning that lesson.
I have learnt that all I can control is me, nobody can make me feel any kind of way, as I control my emotions. I have learned that people's judgments of me reflect more on who they are than who I am. I have come to learn that the only way to change anything fundamental in you after the age of 25 is to experience pain, as the pain forces you to make the required changes and reinforces the changes as well. I have learnt the power of assessing energy, and in so doing, managing what energies surround me.
I have learnt the power of silence, and not allowing people to dump their toxicity on me by carrying stories and gossiping. I have learnt that I cannot carry the pain of what is said about others in their absence, as I have been a slave to that for the longest time.
The reset of my personal life has potentially been the hardest reset I have suffered this year, but the lessons learnt and the new paths opened have justified my suffering for it. I know that if you ask any two people about me that you would get two contrasting takes on me, simply because I respond to each person based on the energy they give me. My search for authenticity has brought me to this point, and what lies ahead is unknown, and I know that whatever comes my way, I will be able to deal with it based on all the learnings I have made on this journey. I will care for people irrespective of how they treat me, but I will never dull my voice again when truths need to be spoken and things need to be rebuked.
I have learnt the power of choosing my circle wisely, as those people in that circle have learnt the power of building people up as opposed to breaking them down.
I was taught that you are the sum of the five people you hang out with the most, so ask yourself about the people you hang out with the most? Do they grow you in any positive way?
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