I have always been a deeply spiritual person, and that has been a constant in my life, even though some have questioned and challenged that about me.
I did find though that even that aspect of my life was cast into a hard reset, and even though it was not the most pleasant experience, it was in fact a requirement for my spiritual growth. I was forced to question every aspect of my spirituality in the last few years and that led me to withdraw from certain aspects of my faith that I was so rooted and grounded in. The reset really shook me to my core! I had been placed in a situation where I stepped down from my ministry, I withdrew from spiritual gatherings that I previously participated in with great joy, and most importantly I was made to realize that I did not have the required spiritual support.
We set out on our life's journey seeking a partner who will provide us with "support", but we never factor in the need for spiritual support, as we make massive assumptions around any form of spirituality, given that most people do not really find the need to discuss or explore this aspect in relationships. I had unwittingly set out on this path, thinking that my faith would see me through all I would encounter and even thinking that I had the spiritual support required to see me through any challenge. I was shown in the most unflattering way that my assumptions were exactly that, an assumption!
I had for many years lived with the arrogant notion that I was doing fine spiritually, and that my "each to their own" attitude to religion and spirituality was "all good". Little did I know how wrong I was, and little did I know that I was messing with a divinity that for the bigger part of my life had led me and helped me along my life's journey simply because I had allowed it to lead me, and now I had relied on my own intellect to do so.
Once my kids had been born, it was very clear that things would get really challenging around the spirituality front, given that my spouse and I both had very different spiritual beliefs and expectations. The lack of conversation around these matters were now thrown into stark contrast, and more than ever I saw that it was impossible for two different belief systems to exist in one household. The simple reason for this is that the kids always get two different sets of teaching and given all the other information out there, it becomes really confusing for them and the platform for conflict among the spouses is solidly laid.
I had over the years had the conversation with my spouse and sadly, the conversations never really went anywhere, resulting in us both just not having it out on the subject. The kids were getting the short end of the stick because we were never able to reinforce their spiritual learning because we had such different belief systems, and we never discussed their Sunday School lessons with them to solidify the foundational steps of their spirituality.
I had taken on my second ministry and the challenges were racking up against me. I was asking myself so many questions, given my responsibility of caring for the souls of the members entrusted to me, so that I could provide the correct level of soul care that they expected from me. My spiritual life seemed to kick into overdrive on taking on my second ministry, as I found myself having to marry a couple, provide soul care for my own mother who was in hospital, facilitate soul care visits in my allocated section at church as well as conduct divine services and dispense holy communion.
All of this weighed heavily on my soul, as I knew that my life wasn't right and I knew exactly the struggles I was facing in light of the fact that I had to be on point with my own spirituality to be able to provide the necessary care to the souls entrusted to me. I learned so much from the soul care visits I performed, and I was able to see the effect I could have on the many souls I encountered and that helped me stay motivated and helped with my own spiritual growth, but for all of that, I was unable to feed my own family spiritually or find any growth for myself through them.
The issue of two divergent paths in my home became a glaring one for me, and I could no longer avoid or deflect the effects thereof. I spoke to my spiritual leader, who consistently provided counsel as well as encouragement for me, but who also kept pushing for my spiritual growth. He had seen something in me that I myself could not see, and I battled to understand why he was pushing me as hard as he was.
I found that as one of the new priests in the congregation, I was called up more frequently, held entire services myself more frequently than some of the other priests who had been ordained before me and I was just generally more active than some of the other priests.
I was now being questioned by my spouse around why I was required to do all that I was doing when there were others who could also do it, I was even questioned around my way of serving and practicing my religion and so it kept going.
I could feel something inside me growing, and it wasn't something good! We are taught that when you accept a calling to a higher level of service in your spirituality, that you automatically experience greater resistance to it in your life. I was experiencing this resistance in so many ways, in the form of temptation, doubt, challenges and discontentment with myself.
I was fully in the midst of a reset in my life and given some conversations I had held with my spiritual leader and a whole lot of conversations I had initiated with myself, I decided to step down from my ministry and I needed to fix me spiritually! I had come to some clear realizations around the fact that one cannot have a fulfilling relationship with a spouse if the matter of spirituality and religion was not aligned.
I also came to understand that the partner one chooses needs to help you spiritually to become a better person, and to push you along your spiritual journey in becoming a better person and you in turn would have to do the same for them.
I lost sight of the fact that I was not growing spiritually with my spouse because I was looking at what the children were not getting spiritually and I had totally forgotten that I needed to fill myself first, and that I needed growth as well. I couldn't carry the burden of my ministry knowing that my own spirituality was in turmoil.
I had to make some hard decisions that left many feeling confused, curious and even angry. I had to do that for myself and my own spirituality, knowing that I could get back to basics and grow again. I have since gotten back to a feeling that I am back on my spiritual path again, and I can feel the difference.
Many say that the devil pays more attention to you when you decide to grow spiritually, I however choose to believe that my God broke me so that he could rebuild be in a better way!
My life may not be perfect, but I feel a better sense of clarity now and I know that I am destined to do so much more. My spiritual reset is in full effect.
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