I have spent countless hours of late dissecting and analysing my relationships and trying to make sense of what went wrong, for my sanity to prevail.
I am no stranger to failed relationships and more recently, failed marriages, and the natural instinct would always be to point the finger of blame to all and sundry in an attempt to apportion blame as well as seek absolution. I have however for the last year, taken full responsibility for my part in the breakdown of my marriage.
The easiest way out is always to say the other person is at fault and that they were problematic, didn't do x, y or z and then fall into a pity party which can be all consuming. The sad reality is that going that route only generates entertainment value for those who surround you in their guise of wanting to "be there" for you, when in actual fact, they are simply there to pick at the carcass of your dead relationship to feed their need for fresh gossip.
I opted for the route of introspection and isolation from all who wanted to know what was going on and whether I was ok, as I had come to realise that it was critical to assess who was actually there as support and who the spectators to my pain were.
I was very clear in my mind that this wasn't my "first Rodeo", and that certain people were just looking for some fresh gossip to pass their time with.
I knew the criticality of cleansing my circle was a necessity for me, as I had seen first hand how fake people could be and how destructive their gossip was. I found that the retreat into my solitude gave me the necessary time and space to work things out with myself, and it also provided me with the much needed reflection.
My reflection and introspection brought me to a few critical insights that I had always known to be potential bumps in the road, but as is the case with us human beings, we often ignore these insights, hoping they fix themselves, or better yet, go away. The insights were as follows:
*Mutual Respect
Every relationship dearly requires this, and yet, it's often not present, or one of the first things to disappear in the relationship. My takeaway in this regard is that in relationships, there is always one party who feels the need to dominate the relationship. The dominance requires control, which always strips the other party of respect, leaving no option for the other party to exercise mutual respect. Sadly in these instances, one party seems to prioritise their pain or discontent by always making it a focal point of all disagreements. The sad part is they forget that the other party in the relationship also experiences discontent or pain at the hands of the significant other. The "aggrieved" party always feels that they are being victimised or attacked, without reflecting on how their behaviour impacts others around them.
*Support
We all know that this is a requirement, but understanding what support is required as well as where support is required is often where we get tripped up in this respect. We then find it easy to look at all the ways "we have supported" without reciprocation, and then the pity party goes into full effect, soon followed by full scale resentment. We take the resentment on as our story, which we use as justification for our virulent lack of support as a result of us not feeling the required support we felt we needed. We then resort to counting everything we do, as if to compare what our significant other does in the context of a competition, knowing that the tally being held of things done will be used in any upcoming argument to seek a win or put the significant other down. Once again, the lack of reflection on their part being played is forgotten and victim-mode is always at the ready to be flung into.
*Trust
I guess we could all agree that this is so blatantly obvious, and yet most people get into relationships with a healthy amount of mistrust. The reasons behind the mistrust is varied, but one cannot deny the fact that past baggage and experience brings that mistrust along and it is terribly destructive to any relationship. Sneaking into emails, text messages and listening in on phone calls becomes the modus operandi and it becomes so normal that no fault is seen in that behaviour. All conversations are scrutinised and automatically alternate meanings are taken from said conversations, leading to deeper mistrust and resentment setting in.
*Boundaries
The sad reality for most people is that they assume that when you get into a relationship, there are all of a sudden no boundaries. The notion that in marriage "two become one" is often the cause of this sad misunderstanding. Just because you get married, doesn't mean that you fuse into one person! You are still two people with your own thought processes, desires and aspirations. The misnomer is further reinforced by the old "what's yours is mine, and what's mine is yours" saying that is perpetually mouthed off by married individuals who have no sense of self. Boundaries are critical to the success of any relationship, as it allows each party the space to be who they are and removes the suffocation which comes as a silent killer to relationships. We learn a deeper sense of respect for a significant other when we understand and respect their boundaries, and this builds a deeper intimacy within the relationship. We need to take on board that our significant other has their own view on finances, family, raising children, career ambitions, hobbies and the like. The assumption that marriage magically melds all your likes together is not only presumptuous, but also extremely lacking in self awareness. Imagine if you will, being in a relationship with someone who wants to know all of your quirks and history, but doesn't reciprocate? One can very easily see how that situation is a disaster waiting to happen. You virtually have to navigate getting information on such a significant other from external sources, which generally have their own spin added, and you find yourself perpetually not knowing anything about that person, making it difficult to relate and build something solid. Lack of self-awareness creates a minefield for anyone coming into your life to navigate, and that leaves no room to set boundaries, which in turn stirs up consistent conflict.
*Understanding
I can already hear some readers saying that this is yet again another "obvious" point. We can all agree that just because it's obvious, doesn't mean that it's present. We need people to be there when it matters, and that only happens when there is a great depth of understanding. The tricky thing about understanding somebody, is that you have to first understand yourself! The requirement of self-awareness, yes, that old chestnut, once again comes into focus in the quest for understanding. Our ability to read situations not only informs us on where we are needed, but also when we are needed, and this skill is refined through our understanding of self as well as our understanding of a significant other. Understanding is a critical requirement in any relationship, and it requires empathy as well as a well-developed emotional intelligence. Couples often lose each other and justify their actions by saying that they just don't understand each other. Relationships limp on because neither party looks to build the understanding or even address it's absence . Children are brought into unions, and sadly suffer the same lack of understanding as they learn from the actions of the parents.
*Space
Oh! That old chestnut again! It all sounds so cliche and we pat ourselves on the back saying "I know that!" The sad reality however is that most people don't understand the concept of space, and comfort themselves with their own misguided interpretation thereof. Space in the relationship context is not what is called for when we are tired of each other, and we then violently declare that we need space, leading us into a "time-out" of sorts until we feel we are ready to deal with that person again. Space in it's purest form means allow the person space to grow, and we then give them acceptance when they do. The objective for any person is to grow and evolve into the highest form of themselves and the only requirement for this is space. We should not sully the lines of our understanding of space in an attempt to call a "time-out" when we feel overwhelmed by our significant other, as this highlights our inability to be acceptant of growth, but more importantly our own lack of growth. One partner growing in a relationship with the other one staying stagnant leads down a path of resentment to eventual break-up.
*Showing Love
One can yet again say that this is a well documented and commonly known fact, but is it actually! The counter to that emphatic statement is simply this question. Do you know your significant others' Love Languages?
I dealt with the Love Languages in another blog, so I won't get into that again. The bottom line is that we need to show people Love in a way that they can understand. The commonly used line is "I am who I am and people need to accept me for who I am" and that is the automatic disclaimer people use to actually tell others that they are not open to changing who they are. I think it's more of a statement that people don't want to put the required effort into a relationship. Growth is clearly not a priority and everybody is expected to be acceptant of such a person purely because they refuse to evolve. We are quick to chastise our offspring when we feel they do not evolve to our requirements, and yet we can adopt the stinking thinking that "we are who we are", and people must just accept it
I have therefore deduced that the failure points in my marriage clearly came along due to an arrogance of sorts in feeling that I knew everything, and that the concepts were so simple in my mind, leading me to think that I had it all covered.
One critical lesson learnt in all of this was that communication is such a critical factor in the overall success of any relationship and that it should never come at the cost of either party feeling they have lost something.
Communication is another elusive concept that people assume they have mastered, and sadly talking and listening(understanding) are what makes communication effective and most people are extremely proficient at talking. Most people listen to respond, and sadly don't listen to understand.
I have had to reflect on the failure points and own my mess, and as unpleasant as it was I took some great leanings from the exercise and that can only help me to get better at all these aspects, which ultimately contributes to my growth as a person making me better in so many ways.
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