I heard an old saying that goes: "Everything that has a beginning has an end." To many of us this may sound elementary, and fathomable, but when things end, we are often left with a sense of disbelief and emptiness.
The truth in that saying is indisputable! I have made the experience several times, and it generally always feels the same. Once we reach the end of something, there is a general feeling of emptiness and malaise that takes one over. I refer specifically in this instance to relationships, as I have reached the end of many of these in my time, and one thing is certain to me, and that is that I will come to experience more as I live out my time here on this earth. Billy Wilder famously coined the phrase "Hindsight is always twenty-twenty." I often laugh when I hear that quoted, as it literally implies that situations are better viewed in reverse, well, that's my take on the phrase anyway!
The problem with hindsight for me is that the test often comes before the lesson, and that is what makes the end of any relationship really challenging. I have found that I have over the years dealt with the end of relationships in a vastly different way every time I come to the end of one. The one commonality for me however, was the post-mortem, although, it has gone through many different iterations over the years, with vastly different outcomes every time. I have had to end many different relationships over the years, some being friendships, work relations, romantic relationships and even family relationships, and believe me, the post-mortem has been critical for me, as that has helped me move forward and make sense of it all.
In dealing with a relationship ending, I have come to experience the following:
Feeling lost: this is a common feeling, as established norms have come to an end, and you now have to establish new norms, be it a new place to live, a new routine, new faces and different places.
Self loathing: blaming myself for the end of the relationship, and berating myself for it's failure, as well as imagining a stigma of sorts setting down on me as a result of the end of the relationship in question.
Shame: feeling like a failure as a result of the failure of the relationship.
Insecurity: feeling like I am not good enough or deserving enough of a relationship.
Inquisition: people who like pick at the carcass of any failed relationship, in what they would like you to believe is concern, but is in fact their own self serving interest and need to be in other people's business.
The whole song and dance plays itself out in almost the same way every time, the variables may differ! The roles are taken up by different people although at times, some characters stay the same. The difference however, that should be employed, is how you bounce back from it all.
I have had to take learnings out of all of this over the years, or I would have lost my mind, as well as my resolve to engage with people, not to mention losing all hope that good people exist.
So what learnings did I take?
I made the following discoveries:
Relationships end: all relationships end, the only differentiator is how it ends.
Communication is key: always sounds like a cliché, but it's as real as the sun in the sky! Poor, to no communication will kill a relationship without a doubt.
Honesty: another cliché, but like communication, the absence of honesty is a definite death knell.
Religion/Faith: many people don't give this the respect it deserves, as this one can cut deep and bring things to a slow and painful end.
Ambitions: we would like to think that everyone is ambitious, and has a future mapped out for themselves, but sadly we find that this little bugger is that sharp knife in the back you never expect or even see coming.
Finances: this is like that one thing that trips most people up, its that one thing we feel won't get us, but then as sure as the sky is blue, it comes for you.
Children: this is one of those slippery slopes that causes so much damage to innocent lives who actually didn't ask to be born.
Family: this one seems like the drunk relative at a family function(no pun intended), but is so destructive, and is the not-so-silent killer.
Intimacy: this is so multi-faceted, but all aspects, pretty much like oxygen when absent, brings about a torturous death.
I came to understand very clearly that all relationships end, but the caveat to that is that the duration of the relationship is determined by the factors I have mentioned above, and of course death.
I would hate to sound cynical, but these have been my learnings based on my experiences, and the next person may have a totally different set of learnings based on their own experiences. I must however admit that I am quite the cynic, and my experiences have validated quite a bit of my cynical behavior and nature.
Communication as a noun is simple to understand, but the verb bit is where the problems arise, as people tend to be terrible communicators at the best of times, and communication is a skill to be learnt and practiced daily in order to become good at it, and to be effective with it. People generally tend to be selective about what and how they communicate, which ultimately leads to problems later on. My experience has shown me that some partners disclose very little about themselves and pretty much everything else, and communication tends to deteriorate over time. In the beginning, the euphoria clouds communication to a large extent, due to the infatuation experienced in the early phases of the relationship. The art of stimulating and lasting communication is not even in the frame, and later becomes the executioner of the relationship. I know for a fact that beauty fades, but intelligent conversation bonds people better.
I would hate to labor the point, but Honesty has become such a watered down characteristic in relationships, given that we all have past relationships and experiences we may be embarrassed of, so we become creative with certain facts and that is carried over to what we communicate, or choose to not communicate. Big red flag!
Religion/Faith is the least of your concern in the beginning, but once it rears it's head, it becomes a divisive force pitting people on opposite sides of it. A great level of dishonesty is revealed here, as one or the other opts to please the other party by participating in their religious affiliation, only to criticize and deride them when the affiliation becomes a problem for whatever reason. Ambitions tend to be quite the bug bear when motives become clear, and one has to be mature enough to admit that on the part of the man or the woman in the relationship, their expectation that the other party is obligated to provide security to them to compensate for their lack of ambition, is a reality, and one that shreds a relationship into pieces. Initially it was a general view taken that women got into relationships for security, banking on having an ambitious husband to provide the security they looked for, but it has now come full circle in that men apply the same thought process in some instances.
Finances are the reason the greater majority of relationships end, as honest communication around attitudes to money are never discussed or prioritized. The conversation clearly conjures up a sense of competition between partners, and exposes a deeper seated insecurity for one or the other. The big problem around this topic is that individual autonomy gives some the sense of superiority over their partners, and sets the scene for all manner of abuses, which ultimately leads to "Splitsville".
Children can be a wonderful addition to a relationship, but this is not the case for all relationships. Once again, a conversation of the individual's view on children is not had, and one party prioritizes their wants over the other party's and children are brought into a volatile environment that buckles under the pressure of finances, poor communication and resentment. Further communication around parenting styles, religious views and discipline are not engaged in, compounding the already problematic situation. I have always been clear that I was not parent material, and I hold that view now, as I always have.
Family is quite an emotive topic, as both parties see red flags, but under the intoxicating effect of infatuation, those red flags seem to be ignored, until they no longer can, and then the fights break out. The problem experienced is that on either side of the fence, each party treads carefully because this is one of those things that can bring about some really ugly fights and yet again, conversations around boundaries, disrespect and impartiality are bypassed "to keep the peace". I must admit that the notion of "keeping the peace" actually causes a raging war inside both parties. Keeping the peace is the biggest oxymoron out there!
Intimacy as noted above, refers to many different facets, and sadly once again people tend to forego a conversation about their beliefs, expectations and understanding of intimacy. Points such as frequency, likes, dislikes and enhancements are never points of discussion between the parties. The conversation seems to be easier to have with friends?
One very quickly begins to see how the one golden thread that runs through all these things is communication, but not just any communication, honest communication! One can almost say that everything rises and falls on communication, and one thing is for sure, communication is not easy.
Another learning I took from my experiences was that we all have a Love Language, and understanding our significant others' love language is critical to preserving a relationship. I found that some partners are ok with the other partner doing all the hard yards in this respect, and they are fine to just be on the receiving end all the time. This relates to many things like gifts, travel, chores, initiating intimacy, etc. I am guilty of sometimes having just given up, as I would always go above and beyond as a result of my love language as well as the type of person I am, but when I see that the situation is not reciprocal, I withdraw. I was also recently schooled on the fact that we focus on the love language, but we miss the Fight Language! Yes! The fight language is just as important, as this gives us insights as to how to deal with conflict in a relationship in pursuit of dealing lovingly and effectively with the conflict. Let's just be honest, we learn how to deal with conflict by watching our parents, and as we go through our journey, we pick up other habits and mannerisms to deal with conflict, and all we do is exacerbate the conflict and alienate our partners as we view conflict as a battleground were one party has to exit the arena at the expense and destruction of the other. Pretty toxic right! Yes, and yet that is what we assimilate and exercise.
I find myself picking up the pieces again, but this time around it's about picking what is required to be better the next time around. I have learnt the value of looking to myself, and not placing blame at another's door.
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