The Great Divide: Why Men are Opting Out of Relationships
I’ve experienced my share of ups and downs in my marriages and relationships. I’ve walked the path that society expects of a man — the provider, the problem-solver, the steadfast figure who’s supposed to take everything on his shoulders with a smile, but if I’m honest, I’ve lost hope in relationships.
It’s not an easy thing to admit, but I know I’m not alone. Many men today are quietly bowing out of the dating pool, and it’s not because we’re afraid of commitment. It’s because we’ve weighed the pros and cons, and the scale tips heavily against us, ALWAYS!
Let’s talk about expectations for a moment. As men, we’re expected to carry the financial burden, often solely. The unspoken rule is that a good man provides — no questions asked. I’ve been in relationships where my financial status was an open book. My income was scrutinized, planned for, and expected to cover every eventuality. Yet, when it came to my partner’s finances, it was shrouded in mystery. I was never privy to how much they earned, what they contributed, or where their money went. It was as though their income was a private affair while mine was a communal resource.
Well, financial expectations are just the tip of the iceberg.
We’re expected to express our love openly — through words, actions, gifts, and time. We’re encouraged to be vulnerable and affectionate. We’re told that we need to show our love constantly, as if love were a performance we need to put on daily, and we do it because we believe in love. We want to show our affection, but what happens when this isn’t reciprocated? What happens when our gestures of love are met with indifference or, worse, are expected without any acknowledgment or appreciation in return? We become dispensable — providers of comfort without the comfort of being valued ourselves.
I’ve been the one who’s brought solutions to the table. I’ve sat and listened patiently, trying to help solve the problems my partner faced. Yet, when I offered advice, it was dismissed as if I couldn’t possibly understand what she was going through. It’s as though my role was to simply nod along and agree, to provide a listening ear but never a solution, and I’ve realized that this isn’t unique to my experience — many men face this. We’re wanted for our ears but not for our minds. Our solutions are unwelcomed, and our advice falls on deaf ears, not because it isn’t sound, but because it didn’t fit the emotional narrative.
Let's not forget the issue of comparison. It’s a silent dagger that we often feel but rarely address. I’ve been compared to exes, made to pay for the mistakes of men I’ve never met. I’ve had to reassure and rebuild trust that I never broke. It’s exhausting to be measured against a ghost — a man who hurt her, but whose sins I now carry. I am my own person, with my own values and intentions, but the shadow of the past often looms too large for any real connection to form. I silently quit when this happened,
Respect is another expectation levied heavily on men, and rightly so. We should respect our partners; it’s the foundation of any relationship. Yet, the respect we give isn’t always returned. I’ve found myself in situations where my voice was drowned out, where my thoughts and feelings were dismissed simply because they didn’t align with hers. It’s as if respect is conditional — expected of me, but not reciprocated. It should be noted that where respect isn’t mutual, the relationship becomes an imbalanced power play, and no one wins.
Gender roles are another battlefield. I’ve noticed how the traditional gender roles are readily applied when it benefits our partners. We’re expected to be the strong, silent types when it’s convenient, to handle the finances, the planning, the heavy lifting, but when it comes to emotional labor or communication, the script flips. Suddenly, the traditional roles are outdated, and we’re expected to be in tune with feelings and emotions without any logical grounding. We’re supposed to navigate an emotional minefield, often with little guidance, expected to anticipate needs that haven’t been communicated.
All this brings me to the biggest challenge: communication. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve been expected to read between the lines, to decode cryptic messages, and to anticipate unspoken needs. The narrative is that if we truly care, we should just know, but we’re not clairvoyant. We rely on open, honest communication to build a strong connection, and yet, when we ask for clarity, we’re accused of not listening or not paying attention. It’s a catch-22 that leaves us feeling like we’re set up to fail from the start.
So, where does that leave us? I’ve asked myself this question many times, and I’ve come to a grim realization: There isn’t much value left in relationships for men anymore. The divide between men and women has widened, and instead of bridging it with understanding, it feels like we’re digging our heels in deeper, becoming adversaries rather than partners. We’re expected to fulfill a role that often leaves us drained, undervalued, and disrespected.
It’s no surprise that more and more men are choosing to walk away. It’s not because we’re afraid of commitment or because we don’t want love. It’s because we’ve been in the trenches of modern relationships, and we’ve seen the battlefield for what it is. We’ve been drained emotionally, financially, and mentally, and for what? A partnership that doesn’t feel like a partnership at all?
I’m not here to bash women or say that all relationships are doomed. I know there are great partnerships out there, and I truly hope that everyone finds what they’re looking for, but for many of us, the cost has simply become too high. We’ve given our all, only to be left feeling like it wasn’t enough. I could say maybe, just maybe, it’s time we start acknowledging that for some men, the decision to opt out isn’t about giving up on love. It’s about choosing to protect ourselves from a game that feels rigged from the start.
So, if you’re a man reading this and you feel the same, know that you’re not alone. Your feelings are valid, and your experiences matter. It’s okay to step back and reconsider what’s best for your own well-being, because at the end of the day, a relationship should add value to your life, not strip it away. Only until we find that balance, many of us will choose to walk away, not out of fear, but out of self-respect.
Men are simple creatures who require peace, respect and intimacy. Our list of expectations is just that! No a long laundry list of inconsequential do's and must haves to qualify you as a potential partner who is subjected to a protracted audition for final qualification. Relationships should be a safe haven, not a battlefield.
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