I have as mentioned before been on a journey of self discovery, and the learnings that have come as a result of the journey have been quite illuminating.
As a guy, you tend to meet many people on your journey through life and generally we make many acquaintances who we encounter at different points in our lives. Most guys always have that hook-up for what they may or may not need and we call on these folk at various junctures when the need arises. We sometimes apply a really grey lens with these people, given that they either have questionable backgrounds or they do questionable things in helping us.
I have always known many people and I could always find someone familiar wherever I went, but when I started my business, that dynamic seemed to change. I was told by my mentors as well as some business partners that this business would show me who my true friends were. I initially thought that the advice was bogus, but as I got into the inner workings of growing the business, I was shown how pertinent that piece of advice was. The glaring truth was that at any point in time, I would be able to rustle up a group of ten or more folks to party with, but I would battle to get at least 4 people to support my business. I attended many training events and consulted with people in the business who had been achieving varied levels of success and the one message that kept coming through clearly was that I needed to be very selective of who I associated with as well as who I was taking advice from. We are often not aware of the influences and energies we allow into our space, and often these energies can either have a good or bad effect on us. I started paying more attention to who was around me and what energies they brought, and then I started seeing things very differently. One of my mentors then mentioned something quite profound at a training session I attended, where he said: "In the counsel of the wise, there is safety" and it was like all the lights went on for me. I had been taking counsel from people who were not qualified to do so, given that they didn't have the types of things I wanted, and very often, they were pushing their views on me all the time. I needed to start cleaning out my circle, and I needed to clean it out right! I payed more attention to the energies I was being surrounded by, as well as their effects on me and I started in all earnest with the clean-up. I had to relook everything, not just the people I was surrounded by, but also all other forms of stimuli including my music, my reading material and very critically the television. The nett result was that I cancelled my television subscription, and I limited the amount of music I was listening to having replaced that with audio books. The results were astounding to say the least. I was less anxious and more interactive given that I was not being bombarded with the negativity generated by the news or the radio, and I was shocked when I came to realize how effectivel these stimuli were in terms of the negative effect they have on people. I literally went cold turkey on cutting the television and radio out, and now, three years post that decision, I can say that the bulk of my time was consumed by those two things and I literally lost touch of making real connections with people.
I then started challenging myself to speak to more people, as well as sharpening my conversational skills in order to facilitate more meaningful and impactful conversations. I then started seriously looking at the people I needed to cut out of my life and started the process of making those required changes. I found it quite laughable that I had surrounded myself with people who sapped the very energy out of me and added absolutely no value to my life. I had to literally evaluate every person in my life and apply some rigor in making the requisite changes, and surprisingly enough, the changes were not too difficult to make. Some of the changes that needed to be made however were not that simple, and those required quite a considerable amount of work, given that family are generally a default setting which is really tricky to work around. I actively sought out positive people to be around and vigorously engaged in feelgood activities that increased my dopamine levels and left me feeling energized. The people I had brought into my inner circle were forcing me to level up, but I still had some negative energies around me that were draining me and threatening to erase the gains I was making. The conversations were all bereft of any real content or positive reinforcement of any kind and I often found myself craving intelligent and stimulating conversation. I relished the opportunities to attend training sessions with my business partners, as I would learn so much and feel so stimulated. I started finding that even colleagues and subordinates who could not give me any form of stimulating conversation would annoy me to no end and I would tend to engage less with such individuals. I more especially started seeking out conversations that would grow and inspire me, and this meant speaking to and associating with people from a different level to me. Conversations were different and growth was a definite result of the types of conversations I was having as well as the people I was having conversations with. My growth was not only mental, it was spiritual as well, given that I started focusing on feeding myself and not just taking care of all who reached out to me for help. I was able to better discern where to lend my assistance and where to completely refuse any of my involvement and the process was really challenging for me in respect of my constant need to be a "people pleaser" and not saying no when I had to. The toughest place I found for me to exercise this skill was at home, given the emotionally charged nature of the conversations as well as the fact that I would need to maintain the atmosphere in the home for the sake of keeping the peace, but it did not stop me from trying to push on with having more meaningful conversations. The attempts often resulted in heated exchanges and in most cases, having the conversations killed midway and I cannot place blame anywhere because I had taken on this learning and that required me to be cognizant of the fact that not everyone had opted to make such a change.
I reduced the circle of people I had around me substantially, and associated with people who I could learn from or at least challenge myself to grow and become better. The resulting effect was that I had less drama to deal with and more positive reinforcement, as the people I found myself associating with were laser focussed on growth and positivity, that they literally would not accept or be near any negativity. The simple truth I came to see in all these people was that they were not exempt from the pressures and burdens life throws at us, but their resolve is to be positive in all instances and reframe situations in order to take positives out of it. I was then challenged to do the same, and simply told to go for 30 days without complaining to see how that would change my outlook on life. The challenge was quite tough for me and I tried to stick it out for the 30 days, but fell short, but I immediately realized that I could not fall back into the old patterns anymore. It was like my mind intuitively reminded me of the fact that only positive thoughts were allowed in my mind, and nothing less than positivity would be accepted. I battled with those close to me because without my really knowing it, I had allowed myself to be around constant negativity. I had to take a serious look at that situation because my kids would also be affected by that negativity. I therefore tried in every aspect to ensure that they were always surrounded by positive messaging and by and large, I tried to keep them around positive people as far as I could. My circle remains small, and I keep in contact with the people who keep things positive around me and consistently challenge me. I can only change me, and by default be a positive energy for others.
The reality for all of us is simply this:"You are the average of the 5 people you hang out with the most", so if you hang out with 5 negative people, guess who is going to be number 6? I have learnt that the most negative people around us are generally those closest to us because we have to tolerate them by default. I have however chosen to take my CEO responsibilities very seriously by eradicating all negative energy around me. I have made that choice and I am sticking to it!
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