Intent

I have often mentioned the journey I am on in previous blog posts, and the reality is that the journey I am on has no actual destination.

I must however say that it does not mean that I am aimlessly wondering through life, as this journey simply has clear checkpoints and to my mind, it's culmination would have to be the knowledge and understanding as well as acceptance by me that when I finally close my eyes, that I have lived a fulfilling life.

I have been beset by many things in the last four or so years, and I may even be as bold as to say that things may even have ramped up a notch or five in that time!

I lost my job and have been searching for a new one relentlessly over the last three years.

I have had to revisit my purpose several times over the last five years, resulting in many hard decisions that had to be made.

I became an ordained minister and as a result, had my whole world turned upside down, eventually resulting in me resigning from my ministry to deal with the turmoil that ensued.

I discovered new things about myself, having gone deeper into understanding and refining my purpose.

I ended up divorced and questioning many things as a result of that, pointing to various matters around relationships and how I viewed them as well as making some startling discoveries on that little detour about the many misconceptions I myself had bought into about relationships. One of the most harrowing experiences of them all was my daughter having suffered a subarachnoid hemorrhage and coming within inches of losing her life, leaving us to have to get her to learn how to walk talk and all the other stuff she had already learned how to do.

I have had to face many of my demons and irrational fears in this time, learning so much about myself and other people in the process, but mainly focusing on learnings about myself.

I have come to experience many hurtful things that were spoken about me and put out about me by friends and family alike, not forgetting my haters (who subsequently became my favorite bunch),which was hurtful and really sat with me.

Lets just say that everything had descended on me, and was dealing decisively with me! I had come to realize that people loved it when others were experiencing turmoil, as this created gossip fodder which fed the rumor mill, in turn giving them something to talk about.

I had to get comfortable with that, and I had to realize that any gossip being carried around about me actually spoke more about the person carrying the gossip than me.

Once I made this realization, I had started to experience a liberation I had not before come to experience.

Some people would look at my life from the outside and assume many things about it, commenting that I seemed to be living my best life, when I was actually going through the most at that time.

I could not even get mad, as I had come to realize that I could not change other people's thought processes or the way they applied their minds, or not!

All that was in my control was my thought processes, my actions and my intentions. The knowledge that none of the gossip or comments passed actually added meaningfully to my life helped me deal with all of it, although I must admit that it was still a really painful experience in learning to deal with.

The one thing that was a constant reminder to me was that none of the people saying what they were saying or making the comments they were making actually had any insights into my situation or circumstance, and they were merely passing comments or passing on gossip based off their own limited knowledge of what they thought they knew.

My struggles and challenges were mine to deal with and nobody but me had the inside track to all I was experiencing, making me the only qualified person to pass judgement or commentary on myself.

I had come to learn that doing everything with intent was the only way to live! I needed to be intentional about my happiness, intentional about my passions, intentional about my parenting and just plain intentional about life!

I had to learn to take control of my thoughts, and direct them meaningfully to rebuild my life as well as craft the life I want for myself.

The point I had reached on this journey now called for a purging of a great many things for me such as people, limiting beliefs, my own stinking thinking, and more especially, my subscription to other people's issues.

I had always been a people pleaser, and I started realizing very painfully that I could not keep making sure everyone else was ok and comfortable, when I wasn't.

I started realizing how people actually weren't seeing me, but always had expectations of me, how I was always expected to solve for "X" without assistance or even concern for how I was actually doing.

I had once again stumbled onto how unfulfilling a corporate career was to me, and how I absolutely loathed the corporate culture with all it's politics, skullduggery, and it's total lack of authenticity or humanity.

I was looking for authenticity, meaningful interactions and intentional people who I could meld my energy with. I had come to realize very pertinently the importance of energy and the application of different energies that surrounded me, and I now sought out only energy that would compliment the journey I was on. I very quickly came to understand how to harness the energy I required, and sought out the same energy in others, as well as having to learn how to protect and preserve my own energy.

To this point I had been squeezed, pulled back, crushed and put into a dark place by my situations and circumstances, and I had reached my breaking point, as I had run out of money, I couldn't secure a job, the medical bills for my daughter continue to pile up, and it appeared that opportunities had just totally evaded me.

I had to step back and look at everything happening to me and I had to place everything into perspective for myself again, instead of starting to wallow in my perceived valley and end up spiraling downward. I remembered a coaching session I had where I was told to accept that the situation is what it is, then to harvest the good and move on.

I did just that, and made a few startling discoveries about my situation as I took stock for myself! the realizations were:

• An olive needs to be squeezed to reveal and produce the precious olive oil it holds.

• An arrow needs to be pulled back to it's limit to propel itself forward.

• Rocks are crushed to reveal the diamonds they hold.

• Seeds are planted deep in a dark place to germinate and produce fruit.

I must say that putting it all into perspective was refreshing, and it just reminded me that I just need to persist. The most invigorating of the realizations was the fact that once you hit rock-bottom, the only place to go is up! The only way to get there is to be intentional about it!

I knew that the only way to be happy was to be intentional about it, the only way to see opportunities was to be intentional about seeing the opportunities, and most importantly grab those opportunities.

The act of being intentional about what I wanted also meant that I would have to be intentional about what I didn't want, and to this end, I had to be intentional about staying away from drama, staying away from negativity and most importantly staying away from anything that did not add positively to my energy.

The intent extended to both people and situations, and it meant that I would yet again have to evaluate how people contributed to my intent.

We encounter so many people on a daily basis, without evaluating how our energies are exchanged, and as a result we enter into toxic relationships and situationships that are both known and sometimes unknown(I actually believe that we know, but we choose to ignore) to us.

The upgrade to all of that was the fact that I had to ask myself whether I was being toxic in any of the scenarios as well, and the remedy was to apply myself differently, by applying a greater degree of thought and self-reflection in all situations.

The exercise itself led me to many realizations, both known and unknown to me, as I realized that I was aware of the toxic people around me, but I chose to ignore that fact, and I also came to realize that some people were so stuck in their ways and their thinking that it was almost impossible to expect any change from them.

The greatest epiphany I received in all of this was the fact that not many people know how to think, and sadly the greater majority of us seem to assume that we do in fact know how to think.

I had seen firsthand how people are led by emotion and influenced by situations, and totally evade any form of logic in making decisions and acting on their influences, passing that off as having applied thought in what they do.

I started looking intently at they people around me, and I could clearly see the deficits in thinking and any application of logic, as emotions, prejudices and hearsay governed for and led them.

I could see where I would be able to influence a level of logical thought and where I was just wasting my time.

Time, I learnt was a rare and precious commodity, and I did not have an abundance of it, so I would have to be intentional about how and where I spent my time as well.

The result for me was a culling of certain behaviors of my own, and a clear application of my intent in all things I do.

I know that I cannot change people, and it should not be my or any other person's intent to change anybody other than myself or themselves, and to this end it would be about leaving things to be as they are.

As the saying goes, "If it comes, let it come. If it goes let it go. If it crashes let it crash, and if it flows, let it flow."

I have come to understand the power of detachment as well, and the understanding of letting things be without feelings of ownership has also proven to be quite liberating.

Detachment should however not be confused with disengagement or disconnection, but instead a casting off of the notion of ownership.

It is not my place to correct or influence anyone in anything, as people should be left to their own devices and left to make their own choices without the running commentary of the masses, for which in the case of many, the "m" is silent.

Confucius once said: "The Man who says he can and the man who says he can't are both correct." I have under some deep introspection and observation come to understand this in a profound manner, and to that end allow people to be who they are by detaching myself from what is said or done.

My responsibility is to myself and that requires me to be ok with anything said or done, provided it's not derogatory or filled with malice and directed at me.

#blaauwchronicles #donttalkaboutitbeaboutit #arkanelifestyle #reflection #introspection #paradigms #energyneverlies #dolcevita #itsalllove #loveyours #legacy #authenticity #intent #detachment