I have found myself on a journey of self introspection and improvement in the last few months, and that has included lots of reading and motivational/uplifting media.
I guess one of the clear messages coming out of all of it for me is that I have to make some serious changes if I want to see different things in my life.
I know it might all sound very cliché and I can already hear some people saying "Yeah, and!", but the reality for me is that we all talk a good game about what we need to change and how we are going to do it. Sad truth is that most of us never really make the changes we say we want to make, simply because changing things about ourselves is really challenging!
We tend to be so settled in our comfort zones, that we actually don't see them as such and that makes the said comfort zone a blind spot for you. The very exercise requires a heightened sense of self, the ability to take feedback be it positive or negative, a burning desire to actually change and then taking the necessary action to effect the change. I know many would think this is one of those new year new me things, and I can almost see the indignation of the faces of some who would easily assume that this is exactly one of those things.
Truth of the matter is that I had started this journey a few years back, and things seem to have intensified over the last couple of months as a result of me picking away at it like a scab. My story is not unlike most people's stories out there, where I was raised to get good grades so I could get a good job and life would be sorted!
Spoiler alert! That was the biggest lie, and sadly it still perpetuates itself in many homes around the world. The sad truth is that such teachings only breed a mentality of servitude and the killing of one's very spirit. You have to surrender yourself to a system that seeks to take forty plus years of your life where they pay you just enough to keep you, and not enough to ever become wealthy. Now I know many will challenge this statement, and to you, I ask: "Have you ever seen a wealthy employee?"
You are expected to study and improve yourself in order to climb a corporate ladder you can't see, with a glass ceiling that can be dropped on you at any moment, and all your efforts and sacrifices have a price tag slapped on it, determined by the person or persons that hire you. I found myself in the corporate jungle for over twenty years, climbing the ladder, improving myself, or so I thought.
Sad reality for me was that all the education, corporate climbing and promotion never improved me holistically, as the very system is geared to creating employees. I climbed to about as far as I could get according to those who felt they were in charge of me, only to see the dynamics at that level show itself for what it really is.
Greed, envy, backstabbing, backbiting and pure vile evil is what I saw. You either shut up and tow the line, or you would definitely be dealt with!
I am sorry, but that is not who I am! I would voice my opinions, I would challenge where I could, and sadly those characteristics were not welcome at that level. I was tossed out for being me! I was fortunate to be placed elsewhere, and went about my business of being me and sadly that was not welcome in the new job either which prompted me to go elsewhere, and sadly, the end result was the same.
I had to check myself, as this was Einstein's definition of insanity, doing the same things all the time, but expecting different results! I was eventually retrenched after a protracted fight to ensure that my team would not suffer the same fate as me. I bowed out as soon as I got confirmation they all were safe, but little did I know what a huge turning point that was for me.
I had been retrenched, and I had applied for over three hundred vacancies in the following three months, as I hadn't been at the last job long enough to accrue enough funds to sustain me for at least six months. I needed to find something in the three months as I felt that would be ruinous for me as I have kids, bills and a life to service. I then started taking a critical look at what I was doing in looking to trade my time for money by looking for another job, and I started auditing my skills as well as education as a means of figuring out what all of it meant to me. I had always had a bit of a side hustle going, and I found that the side hustle kept me going when I had anticipated the worst.
A year had come and gone after being retrenched, and I was still standing! I had to scale back on many things, and I kept everything down to a minimum in terms of costs.
I won't sit and say that it was all smooth sailing, as I had to take calls from the bank when a payment was missed here or there, and those are never pleasant to deal with, but I had to deal now.
I found that all my beliefs I had carried about my relationship with employment and debt was now being challenged, as my need for a blemish-free record was shattered before my very eyes. I had to let go of the illusion of having a perfect credit score, as well as a perfect payment record, and I had to embrace the fact that I could rebuild my credit score, and that I could fix my payment record.
All these things were so high up on my priority list that they had started becoming instruments of torment to me, and I had allowed myself to buy into that narrative as it had indicated to me that there was a scarcity in my mindset that needed to be addressed. I started reading up on all sorts of things, and trying to understand things for myself, as we are taught certain things that become our internal narrative by which we measure stuff. I was soon pushed in the direction of energy, and how energy acts, reacts and interacts between people, although I had started looking at people's energies in my corporate days already, but now I started looking at how I felt around the people in my circle critically.
I even looked at family in a very different way as a result of my newly acquired mission I had sent myself on. I started being less available than what I usually was, and I immediately started staying away from people who complained or gossiped. I must say the cabin fever started kicking in soon, and somedays I just felt like I needed to get out as it felt suffocating at times, but as soon as I got into contact with energy vampires as I like to call them, I realized that dealing with the cabin fever felt way better.
I had come to realize over this time that what I had been searching for to this point was freedom, not riches or an opulent lifestyle. Freedom! I know freedom means different things to different people, but for me it was simply being able to do things on my terms!
Not being chased out of a bed by an alarm clock, to rush into traffic in order to get to a job where you are not paid according to your worth, and the reward for doing a good job was simply more work, and not an adjustment of your salary, heck, for doing your job well, you got to do the work of your incompetent or inept co-workers.
I was now being woken up by purpose, and the irony is that purpose didn't mean sleeping in. Hell naw! Purpose had me up at the crack of dawn, looking to explore the unlimited potential I knew existed in me and the results were me looking at finally starting my own clothing brand, me pushing my side hustle of procuring goods for folks a bit harder and finally getting to feel like I had a true purpose again.
All seemed to be well until the bills started increasing again, school fees, insurances and generally the cost of living on all fronts. In that moment I realized things had gotten challenging because I had levelled up on my thinking.
I started listening to people again, and the voices were saying: "You need to get a job!" "You can't just be at home!" "Do something with your life!" Sad thing is I bought into that, and just as soon as I did, the phone rang with the offer of contract employment.
Funny how that just happened!
I took up the offer, and no sooner than I did, the same feelings of helplessness kicked in and I was feeling stress again, I started becoming miserable, and my ideas for my brand just hit a screeching halt!
It was like all the inspiration and motivation I had was just sucked right out of me, and everything inside me was now fighting me on the choice I had made.
You then start to realize the true meaning of freedom, as you can't always pick the kids up from school & engage with them as you had gotten used to and your creativity is stifled as you are running deadlines and politics in your head as a result of being an employee again.
The one thing that stood out clearly to me was the energy being produced, as it was not conducive to my growth or my mindset, given that I was called onto the contract to bring my ideas and creativity, only to have it discarded and re-used when it could put certain individuals in a positive light. I closed off the contract delivering on all I was contracted to do, and I was reminded of the how severely unfair the exchange was! I was paid a nominal fee which was actually half my rate by the way, to generate millions which I would not even get a percentage of.
I then had the opportunity to re-engage myself and reset. I went back into a skill I had been nurturing and taking classes on and started engaging the skill daily with success.
I was able to start dreaming again, and as a result, started seeing the energies I was surrounded by.
The picture is not great, as I have internal struggles in dealing with the energies and I have started to make some changes. I realize that I cannot go on in the same manner, as I am hellbent on changing my situation and circumstances. I deserve more than this! I am worth more than this!
I am cognizant of the fact that ships don't sink because of the water around them, but sink because of the water that gets into them, and I have resolved that I will not let life happen to me, instead I will direct life to meet my deserved outcomes.
The saying: "If you don't change it, you are choosing it!" has been laying on me for some time now, and I know it's time to change. We don't like changing ourselves, but we want to see things change, and that is why we remain stuck in the ruts we find ourselves in. We expect everything & everyone else around us to change. Our bad habits perpetuate the same situations over and over in our lives, as we find it so hard to change them.
Funny thing is we know what these bad habits are, but we choose the path of least resistance for the sake of one or the other person's feelings. We would rather preserve the peace externally to have an internal war raging inside ourselves.
We accept and tolerate bad behaviors from our loved ones instead of correcting such behaviors, knowing that we will pay a cost for that at some point.
I have had to have some harsh conversations with my kids in the last few weeks, not because I want to but because I need to direct them and also gear them for their own success, and out of those conversations again, it dawned on me that I have to seriously make the needed changes in order to model the habits and behaviors for my kids and not just myself. I have to re-inforce the values of hard work, persistence as well as a strong and positive mindset within them, as that also builds the same in me. My growth and development fuels theirs and sets them up for success in their lives.
If you are not changing it, you are choosing it! I must say this hits hard, but if not now, when? if not me, then who? Remember that nothing changes, if nothing changes!
#blaauwchronicles #donttalkaboutitbeaboutit #arkanelifestyle #reflection #introspection #change #energyneverlies #dmoney #dolcevita #itsalllove #loveyours #legacy #authenticity #persistence
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