We have yet again reached the end of another year, and as one tends to do, one reflects on the outgoing year as a means of taking stock of what the year actually dished up.
The year for me, would on the face of it automatically get a failing grade if I were to grade it purely on the things that stood out painfully for me, as this year has served up me nearly losing my daughter to certain death, getting divorced and battling to get gainful employment.
If those read as the highlights of this year, I would definitely grade the year as a monumental failure!
I however have had to reflect deeply on this year as I had taken many lessons from it, and those lessons have shifted my grading of the year to something else, something I will forever be grateful for!
I have taken many powerful lessons this year, some of them extremely painful lessons, and others not so painful, but deeply impactful and noteworthy lessons that I have come to learn. As I sit in my reflection of the many things I have come to experience and learn from this year, a deep sense of gratitude comes over me, even though upon reflection of some things, there is a deep undertone of pain that I carry. Gratitude is what has carried me through this year! I have been in a constant state of reflection which has made me express my gratitude daily for all I have experienced, and even on the days I felt like all was coming down all around me, I found even the smallest shred of gratitude I could for something in every day.
I must admit that there were days that I just had no idea as to how I would navigate or even make it through, but here I sit on the cusp of a new year coming in, looking back, totally Gobsmacked, as I try to understand how I made it here! I had many lessons dished out, and school was in session for me minute to minute on some days!
My lessons learnt this year were:
Faith - I had seen my faith pushed to it's limits, and then some this year! We tend to believe we have faith until that faith is tested, and coming close to losing my daughter at the beginning of the year was my ultimate test. I had learnt very clearly at that juncture that nothing on this earth rests in our hands, and that a Higher Power is always at work for us. I had come to understand very early in that experience that it was not my will for my daughter's survival that would bring her through it, but simply trusting that the Higher Power's will would be done, whether it was allowing my daughter to survive the ordeal or not. I made peace with that lesson very early on in that experience, and it has strengthened my faith as well as my resolve around my belief system with my Maker.
Understanding - I had to come to a clear understanding of many things this year, through my daughter's ordeal, my divorce and my relationships. The first of these was understanding that I am not in control of any situation, and all that meant for me was that I could choose how I would react to a situation. The way we choose to react or respond to a situation determines by and large how successfully or unsuccessfully a situation would be resolved. The second understanding I had to come to was that there is no failure in getting divorced, as we sometimes have to accept that some things have come to the end of their cycle for whatever reason it may be. The third understanding I had to come to was the understanding of knowing which relationships to preserve, and which relationships to end. I had severe challenges with this lesson, as I found myself being tested in many ways through many different mediums and people. The lesson was revealed in how some relationships are nourishing and how others were toxic. We tend to carry relationships purely because they relate to family and loved ones, missing out on how utterly toxic they can be to us as individuals.
Perspective - I have always struggled with this one, as I have often been told that I have a set view on things, which made it difficult for me to understand other views or perspectives. The experiences of the year showed me how other people were also so stuck in their own perspectives, and sometimes would use their own blind spots to attack others in pursuit of seeing only their perspective. It's so easy to be caught in your own view of something, especially when there are painful aspects one chooses to ignore in pursuing that perspective. I have had to learn to see things from different points of view, which often meant me sometimes having to hold off on saying something, and mentally moving myself to the other person's perspective before responding or reacting. I must say that this has been a really interesting lesson, as it really tested who I am as person.
Peace - I have often heard it said, and read, that "If it cost's you your peace, it's too expensive". I have now come to understand and appreciate the value of this lesson. In the last few months of this year I have sought out my peace at all costs! I have had to make some drastic changes to my life as a result of this pursuit, and those changes have left many confused and angry and all sorts of other emotions I care not to think about, as it takes away from my peace. Once you come to experience the peace of being in your own space, being unencumbered by other people's expectations and judgements of you, it's pretty hard to go back to anything else.
A lesson can only be called a lesson if one learns from it and is able to move on to a better place as a result of it, so the lessons required clear actions from me to take the learnings from it.
I was required to believe without question that the outcomes of my prayers did not take into account my wishes or wants, but instead fulfilled a bigger plan from a Higher Power.
I had come to a clear understanding that some relationships unfortunately have to come to an end, and that there was no shame in getting divorced, as it did not render one or the other party bad or a failure at that. I had to take a long hard look at my relationships, and I had to own up to my failures and face some harsh truths about myself in that process. I am not the easiest person to be with, and I have clear views on a great many things, but I was not honest about a great many things I allowed without raising my view on it. Marriages only work when both parties contribute and build the relationship with a view to a common purpose. My failure point was not being vocal on matters which I did not agree with, and letting that build into resentment, forgoing my peace and ultimately starting a war inside of myself. Relationships in general are tricky to navigate, but more so close relationships, and I was forced to critically analyze all the relationships in my life, as I started seeing the disconnect with my kids around certain relationships. The experiences of the year showed me many things I had actually seen all my life, but yet again ignored or chose to not acknowledge. The reality I had started seeing was that those toxic traits from those relationships was the driving force behind a lot of my behaviors, and I needed to put a stop to it, resulting in my withdrawing from those relationships. The most beautiful part of it for me was that I learnt that I could release those people with love, and it didn't mean that I held any animosity or ill-feelings towards them. I had just come to realize that I would not benefit from any toxicity that stemmed from those relationships.
The ability to see different perspectives makes you quite a different person, as it automatically precludes judgement from your responses. The one thing you come to realize very quickly is the folly in judgement of any kind, for the simple fact that unless you were there when something was said or done, you are not qualified to pass any judgement, simply because you don't have the facts, all of the facts! We seem to feel that it's ok to pass judgement, simply because it makes us feel better and more superior to the person we are passing judgment on, and that automatically becomes our behavior. Someone very dear to me taught me a long time ago that there are three sides to any story, and that lesson was refreshed for me in this learning. We can become so afflicted with our own perspectives, that we judge others harshly, purely by our limited view of any situation, and yet once the true perspective is opened, we hang on to our judgements simply because our pride has been dented. I have seen this play out on so many different situations over the years, but more specifically this year, as I have made a focused effort to learn from this. I have apologized for many things this year as a result of just working on trying to see different perspectives, and the need to get an apology back has disappeared as I only seek to move forward. People continue to have blind spots, and it's not my place to highlight them, as I have come to see that some people are content with having the blind spot for whatever reason, and in highlighting them, one only scratches at a festering wound. Sadly much is and can be lost due to this approach, and I have become quite comfortable with the phrase "If it flows, let it flow, and if it crashes, let it crash". I don't have the time to fight over destructive blind spots, as I have a finite amount of time on my journey to seek out that which sets my soul on fire. Anyone who chooses to be ignorant of their blind spots deserves to lose what will be lost, and I hold myself to that as well.
Peace is such an underrated pursuit, as we tend to chase fame fortune and all the other glistening stuff life puts out for us. I have come to experience peace in a most profound and fulfilling way. The power of this peace for me is the fact that nobody but you can understand it's lure. You will be judged and vilified for seeking out your peace, but in the final analysis, being vilified and judged by others will have no effect on you once you come to experience true peace. The beautiful thing about finding your peace is that you meet your purpose on that self same road.
As I close out my reflection of this year in the coming days, I look back on the year as one of immense growth and maturity as a person, I gladly change the grade to a pass! The year may not have always been easy or pleasant, but it served up what I needed to take me to my next level, and I know that next year, the grade will be a pass with distinction!
#blaauwchronicles#donttalkaboutitbeaboutit#arkanelifestyle #reflection #introspection #peace #faith#dolcevita#itsalllove#loveyours#legacy#authenticity#perspectives#understanding
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