Chemistry

We live in a world that is unforgiving in almost every aspect, and the pressure created places really crazy expectations on one's shoulders.

I can appreciate whether self-induced or socially via societal norms, the pressure is immense, and mere mortals are powerless to it's effects!

The pressure I am referring to is the pressure to find a partner and build whatever it is that society expects of us.

We can all comfort ourselves with the silent lies we tell ourselves about how we do not conform to societal norms, or how we live our lives on our OWN terms, but at the core of it, sadly, we have conformed in some or the other way.

Sadly for most of us, we all start looking for a partner from the time we are able to "recognise" and acknowledge the opposite sex, and that could happen as early as middle or high school.

We live in a world where finding a partner is set as a top priority for us, and automatically pressure becomes evident. At first the pressure is almost unnoticeable, but it steadily builds over time, until it almost becomes an intrinsic driving factor that most of us can't seem to explain.

We start interacting with people, and all of a sudden we find ourselves talking about the chemistry between ourselves and whoever it may be. The feeling is inexplicable, the description of which escapes us when quizzed on it, but we write it down to "butterflies" or that person just makes us feel like we are walking on air. We can agree that this is generally where we are confronted with so many feelings of caution, uncertainty, curiosity and the like, but one thing for sure is that most of the time, our logic takes a back seat.

All of a sudden we hear people making comments of how you and the other party look good together, how people feel that you better firm the situation up because of how someone else may snap that person or you up. The truth of the matter is that all you have been having is potentially superficial conversations with the other person, and you weren't exactly looking at getting into a relationship, and now there's pressure for a relationship to be firmed up.

All of a sudden, feelings start being firmed up and you start questioning whether this is more than those "butterflies" you felt in the beginning and without you even having noticed, you have formed a dependency on the other person, and all of a sudden you tell yourself that you love the other person.

Love is such an over-used and terribly understood concept, simply because people don't quite know all it's dimensions, and we associate love with everything that feels fun and good. We get caught in the euphoria, and all the while, logic appears to evade us as we are taken up in a whirlwind of emotions which we just couple together under the banner of love.

We forget about intuition which generally makes us investigate matters more intently, we forget about fear, irritation, personal space, spatial awareness and a host of other emotions or feelings at the time because our biggest fear now rears it's ugly head.

The fear of being alone! I must admit that this is what drove me to most of my relationship disasters, and the effects are lasting! Take that from me. You end up going along with a flow that's not directed by you, but instead by another person whom you've ceded your decision-making ability and trust to, simply because this euphoric "love" you are feeling is telling you to make them happy, or you will lose them. Sadly that "fear" is one of the loudest voices you hear, and people know that, so sadly it opens you up to manipulation depending on the intent the other person has for you.

Conversations around marriage ensue, and it all escalates to children and settling down to build a life. One can very well appreciate that things become pretty real at this point, as some of your logic now returns and you start looking at things a bit more critically and all of a sudden it feels like a new level of unease has kicked in, but it's not those "butterflies" anymore, it now becomes anxiety.

We find that "life" starts getting real now, as the courting period is over or the "honeymoon" period as they call it. We start finding more and more that there is a constant feeling of "Do I even know this person!", and that feeling of anxiety builds and over time starts transforming into anger until eventually the anger which over time could not be quelled becomes resentment. The reason it's so easy to hold on to the resentment is because winding up alone was not an option for me, as the societal construct frowns on divorce, but moreover, that fear of being alone speaks louder than anything else.

I started looking at it all with a critical eye, and as blatant as many things were, I sat most times questioning my own intelligence level, maturity level and mostly my ability to apply logic because I couldn't understand where the chemistry had changed.

The logical thing is to try and recreate the conditions that were present in the beginning in the hope that all will be restored to "normal", if that is even possible.

I bought gifts for all the big occasions, exclusive tickets to private concerts, expensive jewellery and perfumes as well as trips abroad with no reciprocation and all the while the resentment kept growing and the chemistry kept disintegrating. I had found that hearing the same things over and over just added to the disintegration of the chemistry because there is only so much you can take when you hear things like "it's the thought that counts", "You have expensive tastes", etcetera. It brings you to a logical conclusion that the other party is not putting in the same effort if even at all, and it's at that moment you realise that love is so much more than the "butterflies" at the beginning of any relationship.

Love is consistently balancing the chemical equation to keep it at equilibrium, so that no side of that chemical equation is lost to the other.

I remember an experiment we performed once with potassium and water and the parallel it brought up for me was to say the least, explosive, excuse the pun. The reaction typically results in an explosion when the potassium is introduced to water.

I was consistently the water in all my relationships, and when the potassium was added, there was a great explosion and in the end, the potassium has consumed all the water and all that is left is potassium hydroxide. The water is decimated and the potassium has entirely altered it until it is no longer water. I was left disillusioned after every relationship, but as per Einstein's definition of insanity, I did the same thing every time expecting different results.

Most women would expect men to go out and cheat on them in a sexual tryst of some sort, but I cheated through sport. I took every opportunity I could to be away from home through sport, and yeah, it sounds insane and almost impossible, but that became my reality.

Sport has always been something I have loved ever since I was able participate in it, and soccer was my poison of choice.

Sport is an unforgiving mistress, as she asks plenty of you in terms of your commitment to her. It's body and soul or nothing at all for her! The plus side for me was that I could truly be me! I enjoyed the fact that I could be me without ANY restriction, and in expressing my truest form of self, my mistress would reward me with stellar performances, awards and accolades that I was not getting anywhere else. I would be out at every available opportunity, rain or shine, night or day, I would always find a way to get with my mistress, as I just needed to be myself.

I started exploring the concept of being alone, and as daunting as it appeared, it was actually the foil I needed to actually connect with myself. I found a deep appreciation for who I was as a person, I had to apologise to myself for all the disrespect I had brought on myself by placing others over myself.

I learned that taking care of me was actually not selfish, and that it in fact was extremely necessary for my sanity. I remember a lyric that says "I don't want us to be the end of me, this love is taking all of my energy", and at that moment, the lyric snapped me out of the lethargy I had for the longest time found myself in.

In truth, we can be nothing to anyone if we are not first true to ourselves. Loving yourself is critical if you want to love somebody else, simply because if you don't know what you are acceptant and not acceptant of, how will you truly be happy.

Love is greater than just a euphoric feeling at the beginning of a relationship. Love is giving more than your fifty percent on the days your partner can't bring their fifty percent. Love is knowing that they are different and that respecting their differences grows the love. Truth be told, you were attracted to them because they were who they were when you met them, so why would we have to change them. Love is knowing that you both were two separate individuals before you got together, and respecting each other for who you are. Love is being able to put your opinion out without having to prescribe to the other party's views. Love is being able to say what you like and don't like without fear of the other person taking offence to that.

We just need to go back to basic principles of chemistry to understand that any time two elements come together, a balancing of that equation is required to preserve both those elements in a way that one does not overpower or consume the other.

We can deduce that this aspect of chemistry requires logic to prevail, as "butterflies" are not the best factors to base decisions on!

#blaauwchronicles#donttalkaboutitbeaboutit#lifestyle#arkanelifestyle#reflection#introspection#winning#dmoney#dolcevita#itsalllove#loveyours#legacy#authenticity#persistence#chemistry